The Adoption Issues Arise Again- The Never Ending Cycle

I am adding this to the Hot Button Series, because in all honesty, no one wants to talk about it, but Adoption Issues are a serious thing that affect every adoptee in one way or another and they surface at different times in different lives, but they are very real, and can cripple those who do not have support or those that do not recognize why we are feeling a certain way.

Abandonment

I've been feeling that stupid tug again.... The reoccurring issues of  "Who am I?", "Where did I come from?", "What does she look like?"

I'm scanning faces again, looking for anyone who I might look like, but I know I won't find the face I'm looking for.

Looking in the mirror has become difficult again, looking at China Doll's face, that dimple, Monkey and CD's toes, they got those traits from me, but where did I get them?

I was reading THIS article and it made a lot of sense to me, some things I do not agree with as these are generalized statements, but for me personally, a lot of it rang true.

THIS article made me want to write my own "Personal History"  just so I can show you how One sided my history is, this is what I know from "stories" from my adoptive family and my Non-Id information given to me by Catholic Charities


"I was born on Sept. 15, 1986, in Arlington County Virginia, No I do not know what city. My mother had just completed her senior year in high school and my father was a college Freshmen. They were both very active in sports and this is how they met. My birth mother become pregnant while they were no longer in a serious relationship. They decided together that their educations were important and that I deserved to be raised in a two parent household. My maternal Grandmother was very supportive and went to all appointments with my mother. They even visited me at the adoption agency before I was placed with my forever family."

Now that I think about it, as an infant, I experienced several losses in my short 3 months of life. You see, the first loss was losing my mother, the woman that carried me in her womb for 9 months, the voice I heard, the heartbeat I had grown to love, the only person I knew. I was then placed with a foster family. This was a family that cared for me, nurtured me, soothed my cries, and tried to fill the void of the loss that I had experienced from the day I was born. When I was placed with my forever family, I experienced the loss of my foster family. The only people I knew to care for me for those short months of my life. I had to adjust so many times in such a short amount of time. And to think, that I would see my birth mother, that she would hold me, that I would feel that bond and connection with the person who kept me safe for 9 months, only to be taken away after a short visit.

I was recently diagnosed with adjustment disorder, and as I've been writing this, I realize that all of the adjustments I had to deal with in as such a small, helpless infant, may be the root cause of why I react so badly to change, why I think everyone I love will leave, why I try so hard to please everyone around me, in fear that I will make one mistake and that they will reject and abandon me.

**THUD**"OMG!", WWWAHHH! "MOMMY!?"

My little China Doll, is no longer a baby, this saddens me!

So the other night I noticed she was trying to climb out of her crib during her late night diaper change.
"OH NO!" was the thought that came to mind.
Monkey NEVER even tried, he was so timid, he's just now getting over the fear of heights.
With him, he HATED the toddler bed, because mommy couldn't climb into the bed with him, luckily, since i was still living with my parents, there was a twin bed in his room, so I would lie with him in the bed unil he fell asleep, and he wouldn't get out of his bed in the morning, just call for me.
The big boy bed didn't really start until Chris and I started dating, Chris really wanted the both of us to spend the night, I explained he was still in the crib, but Chris just really wanted for US to spend the night, not me, but Monkey and I had to come together (heart melting).  So Monkey started sleeping in the guest room, I would lay with him until he was asleep, sometimes I would fall asleep with him and Chris would come in the room and wake me up, sometimes he would just let me sleep, come give us both a kiss and make sure we were nice and warm... (I knew I loved him for a reason)

anyway, back to Miss China Doll prissy pants lol

So, the next night after she tries to climb out, I'm washing the dishes in the kitchen and she begins to cry, I check on her, and she complains about being wet, so I take her to the bathroom (we're potty training) and she goes and is all excited, I put her back in her crib and check her cup, she's out of water. So, I go to the kitchen to refill her cup with some cold water (her room is ALWAYS scorching) and I her **THUD** I yell an obscene word and run to her room, Chris close behind me, There she is mid scream flat on her back eyes the size of half dollars, on the floor.
She climbed out of her crib and landed flat on her back. I grab her and rock her as she says "Mommy?" "Yes, baby?" "I hurt! Fall down! Ow! Kiss it!"

Needless to say, she hasn't yet dared to try it again, so the toddler bed has been put on hold, but my baby is growing up too fast!

I's Married Now. Did you hear me? I's Married Now!

Yay! I am a Mrs. now! Yesterday was just as terrible/wonderful as I expected, so there were no surprises! Well there was one but I'll get to that later. Here's how the day went in my eyes.


Got up at about 7:30ish. And farted around the house for a bit.Woke up Prava and told him to get in the shower. Luckily I showered the night before because I knew! I wouldn't have time. Put a movie on for Damien to keep him out of my hair, made sure we didn't miss anything the night before that needed to be in the car and started finishing up on my paper flowers.

Around 8 is when D'Antonio came over and he helped with the flowers. He's great he really helped me giggle that morning and I REALLY needed that. So, I call the Best Man (Worst Man) to see where he is, and well, no answer. Apparently he was out drinking all night so I was in a panic. I texted my wedding planner telling her I doubted he'd be there at 11 since no one could get in touch with him. She then called my mother who called Prava and they took away my cell phone :( I was not allowed to be stressed so I was not allowed to have my phone and IMHO it caused more stress. My bridesmaid, Aimee, got to my house around 9 with breakfast (I love her) and the cake. She helped me get the kids dressed so we could bolt out the door.

I left the house around 9:30 to go get the junoir bride, then remembered that I forgot my earrings, but I couldn't call to tell anyone (hense why no cell phone caused more stress) So, with all the kids in tow I had to turn around and go get my earrings! Got to my moms house and my bridesmaids were not there yet, so I drove to the club house to see if they were there dropping off the cake... nope. I think they just drove REALLY slowly since they had an 85 lb cake in the car!!Chris went to his brothers house to bring him along, and he wasn't home. Apparently they spent the night somewhere else.

So they get to my moms and I start on Jr Brides hair, get it finished and at that point we all had to go to the club house for one last run thru. Well we wait, and we wait, and we wait. The officiant didn't get there until 11:30 (planner told us 11 so we'd all be there on time). Well, the Worst Man didn't show. We do the walk thru any way. At that point I was a wreck because EVERYTHING was running way too far behind. My friend Beau met us at the venue to help if needed. (my friends are AMAZING)

Get to my mom's house at 12:15 and the hair and makeup team were still 15mins out. UGH! So i say screw it, and I help Aimee get into her gown (her hair and makeup were done at 8!, again I  LOVE her) And by then the hair and makeup team are there. Robert is doing Prava's makeup (hes a MAC artist) My hair and makeup are under way while Aimee gets Monkey dressed. UGH! 1 O'clock, 1:30, 1:45, DAMNIT! The photographer was at the venue by 12:45.... I was supposed to be there at 1! So I get there at 2 and ceremony is supposed to start at 2:30, at this point is where things get hazey, and I enter my "Bride Bubble".

I told myself I wasn't going to cry, but the second we drover by Chris, my eyes started welling. I fought those tears back but I then got out of the car, his mom walked up to me, gave me a hug and told me I was beautiful. WATER WORKS! Thank you for water proof eye makeup! We did the group photos on the bridge, and then just me and Chris. I was on cloud 9, didn't see anymore really. We had the moment I really wanted, standing there on the bridge, just looking into eachothers eyes.

Ceremony was perfect. all 20 mins of it lol! Short, sweet and to the point. China Doll thought it was beautiful too. My daddy handed me to Chris. We held hands the entire ceremony. I was fine, until it was time for me to say my vows, I started with a few tears, then cracked voice! I couldn't wait to kiss him! We jumped the broom and then did a German tradition of sawing the log, it symbolizes working together as a couple. Then we took the rest of the group shots, and honestly I can't remember who I did and didn't take pictures with, I was in my bubble still.

The reception was great, started rocky with my mom and Chris's brother (the Worst Man) getting into a fight in front of all the guests. ACK! But we did the toasts first, my "brother" Moose said such beautiful words reminded Chris that he found a truely unique woman and wished us luck. I then toasted to my friends, family, and Chris, and yes, I cried then too! The 1st dance was great, we had a quiet moment to ourselves, and then Monkey ran over wrapped his arms around each of our legs and danced with us. Then China Doll came over, he held her close, and with Monkey at my side, we danced as a full offical family. Ack! Tearing up now thinking about it!

My father daughter dance, was better then I expected, Dad chose "Happy People" by R. Kelly. I got to celebrate with the my dad, I've always wanted to feel like he was proud of me, and at the moment in time, with my dad, stepping, and spinning me on the dance floor was OUR moment. Then China Doll ran up to him threw her arms in the air, Monkey ran to me and all 4 of us boogied. Chris and his mom danced to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, and it was beautiful.

My cake was AMAZING! Hats off to my wonderful Boss (and Aimees Mom) who made the most beautiful cake! It was delicious too! All in all, with its ups and downs, we had a beatiful family filled love filled day. And here I am at work, (Gotta keep on trucking lol) Chris is at home with back pains, I'm exhausted, but can't stop glowing!

Yesterday on Nov 14, 2010, I married My best friend, the one I laugh with, live for dream with, love.






On the Ride Home Can you see the shaving cream on the windows?



A Broken Piece; Mended

So after trying not to think about adoption for a while it popped up again in the most wonder/strange/surprising way. We celebrated China Doll's second birthday yesterday and Mom brought over a wooden crib that I used to play with as a child...

... I didn't really think much of it, but was kind of happy my mom saves everything.. well, at least I thought she saved everything..

turns out it wasn't just a toy crib, it had deeper meaning, tied to my life, which made me think, I HAVE THE BEST MOM EVER!

We were talking about the crib and I was kind of joking about the fact that she even saved to original pillow and blanket... Then she told me, that when I came to her family, so did, the crib. It was from HER! My 1st mom!

My A Mom decided that since it was given to me from my 1st Mom, and now that I have a daughter, it was only right to pass it along.

Everything at that moment clicked... and I kind of wanted to cry.. well no I really wanted to cry.

All the times when the crib was in a pile of toys, or upside down and Mom would fuss about it and put it away, she was protecting something that later in life would have great meaning, she was protecting what little I had from my 1st Mom.

Then I thought about my search and the "what ifs" What if she doesn't want to talk to me? What if she forgot about me? What if she doesn't love me?

All of those things at that every split second moment flew away....

....She gave me a sturdy wooden crib that would last a life time, and now my daughters... was it hers as a child? She wrote me a Christmas card for my 1st Christmas, she sent a Christianing gown (all thru the agency) and she even reached out when I was around the ages of 4-6....
My doubts about her love... those are GONE! I know she loves me, she gave me the life that she wanted me to have and could not give herself.
She had support, her mother, my Grandmother, who helped her to push the agnecy to send my gifts( my 1st grandmother was friends with a higher up at the agnecy)

and as a mother myself, I know that bond you create with your child before birth. I even at one point had to consider adoption for my son. My heart ached, my soul felt like it shattered...

In that moment I remembered all of it, and my heart broke for my 1st Mom, I love her, I don't know who she is, or what kind of person that she is, but I deep down, love her, because she is a Mother....

4 Yr Olds Say the Darnest Things!

Explaining Adoption to a 4Yr Old

“Mommy, can the doctor put China Doll back in your tummy? I don’t want her anymore she cries too much!”

My little Monkey said this about a month after My Doll was born, he is now heading towards the age of 5 and Doll is going to be 2 this month.

Later A( step mom) became pregnant, he saw her tummy grow and out come Willy exactly a year after China Doll was born.

Monkey likes to talk about how he was in Mommy’s tummy and that one day he was bored and came out! (Oh how I love talking to kids!)

So then he added “Just like you came out of Mama’s (my Mom) tummy, right Mommy?”

Mental pause, I never thought about having to explain that to them at such a young age, so out pops the best age appropriate answer I could think of while driving down the road.

“Baby, mommy didn’t grow in Mama’s tummy, Mommy was adopted”

“What’s ‘dopted?”

“Well, it means that Mommy grew in someone else’s tummy”

“But why couldn’t you grow up in Mama’s tummy?”

Wow this kid sure knows what to ask; doesn’t he!?

“Mama’s tummy didn’t know how to grow a baby, so Mama found me”

I winged it, I know it could have sounded a lot better!!

“Oh well, where’s the lady that you grew in her tummy?”

“I’m not sure baby, but she couldn’t give me everything that she needed for a baby, but I can tell you that she loved me very much! And that Mama was very happy that she finally could have a baby even if I didn’t grow in her tummy”