Bit Off More Than I Can Chew

So this past week has been a strain!

Wednesday I came into work and had a tickle in my throat so I thought I was catching a lovely cold.

Little did I know it was the 1st signs of strep! Which was aweful since Damien turned 5 on Friday and we had his party scheduled for Saturday

Friday night I had to call all of the guests and inform them that we had to reschedule Damien's birthday party to this week. I felt terrible but I had yet to get on antibiotics and didn't want to have people in the house while running a 102 fever.

So Monday rolls around and this CRAZY idea pops into my head,

I want to rearrange my house.

We've been using the large addition as our room and the space is great but it's been empty space and the playroom is in the back of the house in between the children's room which is the original Master bedroom.

So I decided it was time for a change, Monday I boxed up and removed all of the toys and put them in the make shift man cave (work in progress) all before Chris got home. He had no clue about my plan, but being the wonderful husband he is, he just deals with my spur of the moment ideas.

Last night the furniture got moved in the new master bedroom, I really would have loved to paint first but we're having a 5 year old's birthday party this Saturday so we didn't have time.

Now I'm hunting down a second book shelf for the new playroom which has yet to get put together because it turned into a pile of junk. That's what happens when you let your husband move furniture without supervision, Chris just dumped everything onto the floor so he could get the furniture out of the room.

I wish I would have taken before and after pictures but I will defiantly take pictures of the "finished" product

I loathe the house we are renting but I figured if i create spaces that I love that I can tolerate it for the next year or so.(although I don't know what I'm going to do with the TERRIBLE wood paneling)

Things to Come:

•  Paint and decorate the new master bedroom
• Make the playroom super awesome!
• Paint and reorganize the main bathroom possibly get more grown up accessories (the fishy bathroom was cute, for 2 years, now its getting old)
• Paint over the HOT PINK shelf in the dining area
• Get a dining table that can fit 6 when needed
• Find a way to bring light into the gloomy living room
• Paint and redecorate Damien's room
• Paint and redecorate Natalie's room (which is a challenge because the carpet is green and brown, apparently it used to be a jungle room *gag*)
• Give Chris an awesome man cave (on a budget lol)

Wish me luck! I'll make sure to post as things start getting under way







Papa Don't Preach

So, I know all 6 of my readers, (yay welcome new comers!) are probably wondering why I always talk about my mom and never my dad.

Well, I guess today will be the day that I explain my relationship with my father.

From what I remember as a kid, I was a daddy's girl. We had the "perfect" life. Military dad, stay-at-home Mom, play dates, lunch-ins, family vacations, neighborhood vacations. Well, for 3 years, my dad was stationed out of state, and because we had a new house and had just relocated my mom and dad figured he could come home for the holidays and sometimes the weekends and special occassions. Well, needless to say, I did not have a say in this, and was not happy with him leaving. So everyday life went on, dad was gone. When he did visit I was eladed, until the day came to take him to the airport. I remember crying the entire way to the airport saying "Daddy, please don't leave!" After a while my mom found me a babysitter when it was time for him to leave because I just could not handle it. Fast forward to him coming home. At that point after 3 years of it, I think I put up a wall and numbed myself to it, so, him coming home wasn't a sad or happy day, it was just another day.

Then came school. My dad is a very educated man, so me doing well in school and after school activites were very important. I was in ballet for 7 years until my studio closed and the nearest one was 2 hours away, so that was a very sad day, the day I had to hang up my ballet slippers, jazz and tap shoes. Then was the piano lessons! I loved the piano, until I HAD to take lessons. I played by hear so for someone to make me learn the notes and practice made it HELL! Not to mention German school on Saturdays (so much for staying up late) All of this before the 4th grade.. wow! I was a busy kid. So grades started slipping in 4th grade, dad had retired from the military and turned into the grumpiest man I've ever met!

Grades grades grades! Spelling words. Write them 20x then 19x then 18x until you get to 1x and you can spell them out loud without looking at them. Long nights doing homework, being lectured while standing at attention about how important my education was. Now as a mother I get that he had good intentions, he wanted me to study hard and be someone. He always said I'd be the perfect pilot or the 1st female president.

Well, grades were still averaging around C's in math but everything else was great. So I was allowed to stop going to German school and play soccer. I have great memories with my dad and my soccer games. I think out of the years that I played he missed only 3 games, Mom only came to 1. She couldn't stand watching me on the field, I was her ballerina and she was so scared I would get hurt! He made sure I had the best equipment, the best ball, had a practice net in the back yard, Dad was my biggest fan and if we lost a game and I was mad he would just tell me I played hard and that these are the things that he noticed and that I need to keep my head in the game.

Then came the OVERPROTECTIVE dad of a pre-teen/teenager. All the other girls got to go to the movies with their friends, not me, if there was no adult present I was not allowed. Talking to boys on the phone, God forbid dad finding out. I mean I can list off all of them but I don't have that much time and neither do all of you.

But then came MY rebellion. My mom saw that dad was being a "little" strict. No straight As no learners permit, needless to say I didn't get my license until I was 21 with a 2 year old. My cerfew at 16, was 6 pm. No cell phone, no allowance, no nothing. If I went somewhere I got my mom's cell (I get it now trust me) But I was the only 16 Year old that couldn't stay at past 9 pm! So, I got into the WRONG crowds, older boys, alcohol and drugs. Thats where I met my sons father, "Summer Love" I was 16 he was 18 with his own apartment his own car, had a job, and had older friends over 21... So we partied, I "spent the night" at my friends house over the summer, my dad never asked questions, my mom was out of town and he trusted her parents.

The day of my 17th birthday, I ran away with boy, made it to Chicago from Georgia, hung out at the Sears Tower and got found by mom mother!!!!!

Fast forward to now. Me and my dad text more then we talk. And i'm not looking forward to the Father Daughter dance. Although in the back of my head I am. I'm hoping that there will be a silent love between us that I'll feel in that moment.

A Broken Piece; Mended

So after trying not to think about adoption for a while it popped up again in the most wonder/strange/surprising way. We celebrated China Doll's second birthday yesterday and Mom brought over a wooden crib that I used to play with as a child...

... I didn't really think much of it, but was kind of happy my mom saves everything.. well, at least I thought she saved everything..

turns out it wasn't just a toy crib, it had deeper meaning, tied to my life, which made me think, I HAVE THE BEST MOM EVER!

We were talking about the crib and I was kind of joking about the fact that she even saved to original pillow and blanket... Then she told me, that when I came to her family, so did, the crib. It was from HER! My 1st mom!

My A Mom decided that since it was given to me from my 1st Mom, and now that I have a daughter, it was only right to pass it along.

Everything at that moment clicked... and I kind of wanted to cry.. well no I really wanted to cry.

All the times when the crib was in a pile of toys, or upside down and Mom would fuss about it and put it away, she was protecting something that later in life would have great meaning, she was protecting what little I had from my 1st Mom.

Then I thought about my search and the "what ifs" What if she doesn't want to talk to me? What if she forgot about me? What if she doesn't love me?

All of those things at that every split second moment flew away....

....She gave me a sturdy wooden crib that would last a life time, and now my daughters... was it hers as a child? She wrote me a Christmas card for my 1st Christmas, she sent a Christianing gown (all thru the agency) and she even reached out when I was around the ages of 4-6....
My doubts about her love... those are GONE! I know she loves me, she gave me the life that she wanted me to have and could not give herself.
She had support, her mother, my Grandmother, who helped her to push the agnecy to send my gifts( my 1st grandmother was friends with a higher up at the agnecy)

and as a mother myself, I know that bond you create with your child before birth. I even at one point had to consider adoption for my son. My heart ached, my soul felt like it shattered...

In that moment I remembered all of it, and my heart broke for my 1st Mom, I love her, I don't know who she is, or what kind of person that she is, but I deep down, love her, because she is a Mother....

:(

Yup thats how I feel today. I know I've been absent I'm sorry. With wedding plans, searching, work, sick babies, bills, Well, I'm really overwhelmed.

I'll be back shortly maybe this afternoon, if i can clear my head