A Change of Heart?

Being on the adoption forums has taught me more then I could have ever imagined about reunion.

And over the years I have searched for my 1st mother with a burning passion and desire to know my natural mother. Last night hit me hard, but not in the sense that you would think. Just stay with me it will all make sense in just a minute.

Last night, Chris and I were watching one of our favorite shows, The Ghost Whisperer, and it was the episode where a 17 year old boy finds out that he was adopted and tragically dies while arguing with his adoptive mother about finding his birth mother. In the middle of the show Chris looks at me and says "I'm giving you the money to find your birth mother."

Now the old me would have jumped up and down or maybe just cried tears of joy, but the more educated me, well, she sat there and stared at her husband, and thought of more practical things to do with $500. My poor husband, Chris just looked at me "Aren't you happy? You have to find her, you've always wanted to find her."

It was so hard to explain to him that I've learned that reunion isn't as simple as finding each other, it's about building a lasting relationship, it's about ups and downs, and emotional draining if things don't go well in Reunion Land.

I've stopped letting my search dictate how my emotions are for the day. I've stopped letting it consume me. I'm a wife and a mother of 2 kids under 6, I don't have time to dwell on the "what ifs" anymore. I also have to think about whether right now is a good time to possible interrupt my children's lives and my husbands, and my parents lives because it's not just about me if a reunion happens. Am I ready to rock the boat?

In the back of my mind I also know that I am the Queen of Avoidance. I am afraid of change and I allow myself to get comfortable. I really need to reflect on this one. It's so funny to think had someone told me when I was 18 that they would give me the money to find her I would have jumped without hesitation, and here I am at 24, being cautious.

I may call the agency today and have them pull my file for me, I do not want to spend $500 for the request to search and permission to search paperwork if she's made sure I can't find her. I know she last updated her file 19 years ago. Maybe they'll just tell me if her full name and birthdate are in the file. With knowing that information, I'll know what direction I have options for. But this is going to need a lot of thought and a lot of prayer. Wish me luck.

Progress..

So as of Monday, I might be able to have contact through Catholic Charities with my 1st Mom!!

Okay, let me start from the events of this week.

On Wednesday, I called CC of Arlington. Got the voicemail. Left a message that I wanted some info on my adoption file.

Thurday right before my break my cell BLEW UP, finally the mystery person left a message, I happen to glance at my phone and saw it was the CC number calling me back! I freaked! What if I get the voicemail again, so I check the VM at lunch and it was a wonderfuly nice lady, we'll call her T, Well, I call her back and she answers,

I let me know that I would like to request updated medical history and also if there was a way to correspond thru CC, she said it was completely possible, she will pull my file, and that I should call her Monday to check on her progress....

So, as you see, I may know if my 1st Mom is willing to be contacted.

I'm trying to remember that there is a chance she may not want contact, but I am drafting a letter, I received very wise advice, to not overwhelm with the 1st letter about who I am now, but to mostly just point out, how I feel, that i'm open to contact, and that I will be patient. Also, to add that I will respect her wishes if she is not ready for contact, but to ask that if thats the case for her to respectfully respond that she is not.

I'm nervous and excited scared and happy,

My Amom was so thrilled when I told her the news! I'm so blessed! I have a wonderful support system with my mom, Fur, and my adoption.com family.

Paying for MY information

If you follow me on the adoption.com forums, you'll know that I've been having a little bit of a problem submitting my "Request to search, and Permission to Search" paperwork. I have all of the information that I need I just don't have the outrageous $500 fee!!!

As stated on the forums by others, a $50 fee I understand, and maybe even $100 at the most. My problem lies with the fact, that I have to pay for MY information. And here's the kicker, I doubt I'd even get my original birth certificate, or any of MY information. I just gives me permission to search, IF my 1 st mother has provided her information for me to search. It will also give her my information, IF she is looking for me....

.... So, how do you feel about this topic? Do you think the fee is unreasonable? Or am I just being overly sensitive?