I's Married Now. Did you hear me? I's Married Now!

Yay! I am a Mrs. now! Yesterday was just as terrible/wonderful as I expected, so there were no surprises! Well there was one but I'll get to that later. Here's how the day went in my eyes.


Got up at about 7:30ish. And farted around the house for a bit.Woke up Prava and told him to get in the shower. Luckily I showered the night before because I knew! I wouldn't have time. Put a movie on for Damien to keep him out of my hair, made sure we didn't miss anything the night before that needed to be in the car and started finishing up on my paper flowers.

Around 8 is when D'Antonio came over and he helped with the flowers. He's great he really helped me giggle that morning and I REALLY needed that. So, I call the Best Man (Worst Man) to see where he is, and well, no answer. Apparently he was out drinking all night so I was in a panic. I texted my wedding planner telling her I doubted he'd be there at 11 since no one could get in touch with him. She then called my mother who called Prava and they took away my cell phone :( I was not allowed to be stressed so I was not allowed to have my phone and IMHO it caused more stress. My bridesmaid, Aimee, got to my house around 9 with breakfast (I love her) and the cake. She helped me get the kids dressed so we could bolt out the door.

I left the house around 9:30 to go get the junoir bride, then remembered that I forgot my earrings, but I couldn't call to tell anyone (hense why no cell phone caused more stress) So, with all the kids in tow I had to turn around and go get my earrings! Got to my moms house and my bridesmaids were not there yet, so I drove to the club house to see if they were there dropping off the cake... nope. I think they just drove REALLY slowly since they had an 85 lb cake in the car!!Chris went to his brothers house to bring him along, and he wasn't home. Apparently they spent the night somewhere else.

So they get to my moms and I start on Jr Brides hair, get it finished and at that point we all had to go to the club house for one last run thru. Well we wait, and we wait, and we wait. The officiant didn't get there until 11:30 (planner told us 11 so we'd all be there on time). Well, the Worst Man didn't show. We do the walk thru any way. At that point I was a wreck because EVERYTHING was running way too far behind. My friend Beau met us at the venue to help if needed. (my friends are AMAZING)

Get to my mom's house at 12:15 and the hair and makeup team were still 15mins out. UGH! So i say screw it, and I help Aimee get into her gown (her hair and makeup were done at 8!, again I  LOVE her) And by then the hair and makeup team are there. Robert is doing Prava's makeup (hes a MAC artist) My hair and makeup are under way while Aimee gets Monkey dressed. UGH! 1 O'clock, 1:30, 1:45, DAMNIT! The photographer was at the venue by 12:45.... I was supposed to be there at 1! So I get there at 2 and ceremony is supposed to start at 2:30, at this point is where things get hazey, and I enter my "Bride Bubble".

I told myself I wasn't going to cry, but the second we drover by Chris, my eyes started welling. I fought those tears back but I then got out of the car, his mom walked up to me, gave me a hug and told me I was beautiful. WATER WORKS! Thank you for water proof eye makeup! We did the group photos on the bridge, and then just me and Chris. I was on cloud 9, didn't see anymore really. We had the moment I really wanted, standing there on the bridge, just looking into eachothers eyes.

Ceremony was perfect. all 20 mins of it lol! Short, sweet and to the point. China Doll thought it was beautiful too. My daddy handed me to Chris. We held hands the entire ceremony. I was fine, until it was time for me to say my vows, I started with a few tears, then cracked voice! I couldn't wait to kiss him! We jumped the broom and then did a German tradition of sawing the log, it symbolizes working together as a couple. Then we took the rest of the group shots, and honestly I can't remember who I did and didn't take pictures with, I was in my bubble still.

The reception was great, started rocky with my mom and Chris's brother (the Worst Man) getting into a fight in front of all the guests. ACK! But we did the toasts first, my "brother" Moose said such beautiful words reminded Chris that he found a truely unique woman and wished us luck. I then toasted to my friends, family, and Chris, and yes, I cried then too! The 1st dance was great, we had a quiet moment to ourselves, and then Monkey ran over wrapped his arms around each of our legs and danced with us. Then China Doll came over, he held her close, and with Monkey at my side, we danced as a full offical family. Ack! Tearing up now thinking about it!

My father daughter dance, was better then I expected, Dad chose "Happy People" by R. Kelly. I got to celebrate with the my dad, I've always wanted to feel like he was proud of me, and at the moment in time, with my dad, stepping, and spinning me on the dance floor was OUR moment. Then China Doll ran up to him threw her arms in the air, Monkey ran to me and all 4 of us boogied. Chris and his mom danced to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, and it was beautiful.

My cake was AMAZING! Hats off to my wonderful Boss (and Aimees Mom) who made the most beautiful cake! It was delicious too! All in all, with its ups and downs, we had a beatiful family filled love filled day. And here I am at work, (Gotta keep on trucking lol) Chris is at home with back pains, I'm exhausted, but can't stop glowing!

Yesterday on Nov 14, 2010, I married My best friend, the one I laugh with, live for dream with, love.






On the Ride Home Can you see the shaving cream on the windows?



Papa Don't Preach

So, I know all 6 of my readers, (yay welcome new comers!) are probably wondering why I always talk about my mom and never my dad.

Well, I guess today will be the day that I explain my relationship with my father.

From what I remember as a kid, I was a daddy's girl. We had the "perfect" life. Military dad, stay-at-home Mom, play dates, lunch-ins, family vacations, neighborhood vacations. Well, for 3 years, my dad was stationed out of state, and because we had a new house and had just relocated my mom and dad figured he could come home for the holidays and sometimes the weekends and special occassions. Well, needless to say, I did not have a say in this, and was not happy with him leaving. So everyday life went on, dad was gone. When he did visit I was eladed, until the day came to take him to the airport. I remember crying the entire way to the airport saying "Daddy, please don't leave!" After a while my mom found me a babysitter when it was time for him to leave because I just could not handle it. Fast forward to him coming home. At that point after 3 years of it, I think I put up a wall and numbed myself to it, so, him coming home wasn't a sad or happy day, it was just another day.

Then came school. My dad is a very educated man, so me doing well in school and after school activites were very important. I was in ballet for 7 years until my studio closed and the nearest one was 2 hours away, so that was a very sad day, the day I had to hang up my ballet slippers, jazz and tap shoes. Then was the piano lessons! I loved the piano, until I HAD to take lessons. I played by hear so for someone to make me learn the notes and practice made it HELL! Not to mention German school on Saturdays (so much for staying up late) All of this before the 4th grade.. wow! I was a busy kid. So grades started slipping in 4th grade, dad had retired from the military and turned into the grumpiest man I've ever met!

Grades grades grades! Spelling words. Write them 20x then 19x then 18x until you get to 1x and you can spell them out loud without looking at them. Long nights doing homework, being lectured while standing at attention about how important my education was. Now as a mother I get that he had good intentions, he wanted me to study hard and be someone. He always said I'd be the perfect pilot or the 1st female president.

Well, grades were still averaging around C's in math but everything else was great. So I was allowed to stop going to German school and play soccer. I have great memories with my dad and my soccer games. I think out of the years that I played he missed only 3 games, Mom only came to 1. She couldn't stand watching me on the field, I was her ballerina and she was so scared I would get hurt! He made sure I had the best equipment, the best ball, had a practice net in the back yard, Dad was my biggest fan and if we lost a game and I was mad he would just tell me I played hard and that these are the things that he noticed and that I need to keep my head in the game.

Then came the OVERPROTECTIVE dad of a pre-teen/teenager. All the other girls got to go to the movies with their friends, not me, if there was no adult present I was not allowed. Talking to boys on the phone, God forbid dad finding out. I mean I can list off all of them but I don't have that much time and neither do all of you.

But then came MY rebellion. My mom saw that dad was being a "little" strict. No straight As no learners permit, needless to say I didn't get my license until I was 21 with a 2 year old. My cerfew at 16, was 6 pm. No cell phone, no allowance, no nothing. If I went somewhere I got my mom's cell (I get it now trust me) But I was the only 16 Year old that couldn't stay at past 9 pm! So, I got into the WRONG crowds, older boys, alcohol and drugs. Thats where I met my sons father, "Summer Love" I was 16 he was 18 with his own apartment his own car, had a job, and had older friends over 21... So we partied, I "spent the night" at my friends house over the summer, my dad never asked questions, my mom was out of town and he trusted her parents.

The day of my 17th birthday, I ran away with boy, made it to Chicago from Georgia, hung out at the Sears Tower and got found by mom mother!!!!!

Fast forward to now. Me and my dad text more then we talk. And i'm not looking forward to the Father Daughter dance. Although in the back of my head I am. I'm hoping that there will be a silent love between us that I'll feel in that moment.

Processing the "What if's"

So, after writing and reading, and re-reading my letter, the crazy "what if's" pop into my head...

And athough these what if's are adoption related, everyone can relate to the "what if's" at some point in everyones life I believe these start to haunt us, and its how we handle them, that really makes a difference.

My list..

What is she's deceased?

What if she's not ready for contact?

What if she doesn't want contact at all, ever?

What if she's married to my 1st father?

What if she's married to a man that is not supportive of a reunion?

What if I have siblings? What if they don't know about me?

What if they know about me but are not supportive of a reunion?

What if they get jealous?

What if I get jealous?

What if we do have a terrible reunion?

What if we have a great reunion to start, my kids get involved, and then contact stops?

you can see how they're mostly negative....
But then I have to remind myself that there are also some positive "what if's" that I still need to think about, process, and find a way to "prepare" myself for.

What if she is ready for contact?

What if I have siblings that know about me, and want a relationship?

What if I find my 1st dad in the process of all of this?

Blah!! I have a lot to think about, I have to respect all sides of this. I have my Mother's support, so I know that I am in no way hurting her in my search, which was honestly my biggest fear, had I not had her blessing, I don't know if I would have restarted this process.

I have to respect my 1st mom, and her new family, because from what we know, she got married. So, there is a possibility, that I have siblings, and that they may not know about me, she could have kept that all within herself.
Honestly, I hope for her sake she didn't keep that secret, it just seems like something that is too painful to hide.

Letter to ALL Parents

"If you were writing a letter to ALL of your parents, both bio & adoptive - what would it say?

Doesn't have to be on personal terms, mind you. It can be a generic thought process that you would say to all parents going into an adoptive situation that will offer the adoptee perspective and give them things to think about."

Read this on the adoption.com forums today, and it gave me a thought, "What WOULD I write?" So this is what I will be working on... check back later for that post...



edit: So I wrote my letter and here it is...

I feel that I need to write this letter on a personal side only because of the process of my search, to me it may be cleansing, to write a letter my 1^st mom, she may or may not see this, and a letter to my Mom, finally completely opening up on my true thoughts of “my life as an adoptee.”

I wanted to write this letter to the both of you, so you both can see my story, from my heart.

            To start, my Mama; the one who was there when I skinned my knee or a boy broke my heart. I don’t think there could have been a single thing that I would change when it comes to your openness about my adoption. You listened to my questions and answered them to the best of your abilities. You always knew when to hold on to something I wasn’t old enough to process, and you always made it a point, to tell me the positives about my 1^st Mom. You encouraged me to dance because you knew that it was a passion but you also knew it was a way for me to connect with my 1^st Mom. You saved precious gifts from her and knew when the time was right for me to appreciate them fully. And when it came time for me to search, you have been here, holding my hand, giving me any information that may help. You have shared my excitement when the search gets close, and you have wiped and shared my tears when we hit a dead end. I can not thank you enough for your honesty, endless support and love. I can not wait for the day that I can see you and my 1^st mom together as you complain about how wild I was in my teens! J

            To my 1^st Mom, the one who heard my heart first, my guiding star, the first to make a life changing decision in my behalf. I wanted you to read the letter to my Mom first, so that you can see that in my search I’m not trying to replace the mother that I have, and that she is in full support of me finding you.

            You are the one who gave me life, without you, my family may not have had a child, and I know from my Mom’s heart she would like to thank you. I do not know your name, I do not know your face, and I do not know what kind of person that you are; but I want you to know that I love you; I love you for giving me life and at no point have I ever been angry about your choice. I do have empathy for you, because I too had a child at a young age and could not imagine the grief that was in your heart. I would love to get to know you and your family and have you all join ours when the time is right.

            I do understand that there is a possibility that you are not ready for contact, but I hope that this letter will at least give you peace and know that my door will always be open to you.

To potential adoptive parents;

Please make sure to be understanding of your adopted child’s questions. Only tell your children facts about their 1^st parents. Some things may be hard to hear so make sure they are old enough to process those feelings, and be there to hold them tightly when they need it the most. If open adoption or semi open adoption is out of the question, get enough information about the 1^st parents as you can, because one day your kids may want to search. Even if you feel threatened by the search, remember it’s your child’s journey and they may need you if the reunion isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.

To future 1^st parents:

Remember, sometimes your children may not look for you, or their childhood may not always be peaches and cream. But they will always be your child, and don’t ever let society take that away from you. You have the right to grieve, to be angry, and confused. You have the right to process your feelings in a way that’s right for you. And for those of you, who may be contacted by your relinquished children, remember to set your boundaries, take things slow, and try to build a lasting relationship. And if your reunion has to be put on hold because your child may not be mature enough to handle it, or may be disrespectful or try to make you feel guilty, don’t accept that, do not allow them to make you relive your guilt. If ending the reunion is a healthier end to the story so be it.

I thank everyone who took the time to read this, but I think it helped me. It made me really think about what I wanted to say and process a lot all at the same time. I reminded me that in my search I have to be patient and kind, and to review what kind of relationship I want to have with my Bfamily and to take things slowly.

Progress..

So as of Monday, I might be able to have contact through Catholic Charities with my 1st Mom!!

Okay, let me start from the events of this week.

On Wednesday, I called CC of Arlington. Got the voicemail. Left a message that I wanted some info on my adoption file.

Thurday right before my break my cell BLEW UP, finally the mystery person left a message, I happen to glance at my phone and saw it was the CC number calling me back! I freaked! What if I get the voicemail again, so I check the VM at lunch and it was a wonderfuly nice lady, we'll call her T, Well, I call her back and she answers,

I let me know that I would like to request updated medical history and also if there was a way to correspond thru CC, she said it was completely possible, she will pull my file, and that I should call her Monday to check on her progress....

So, as you see, I may know if my 1st Mom is willing to be contacted.

I'm trying to remember that there is a chance she may not want contact, but I am drafting a letter, I received very wise advice, to not overwhelm with the 1st letter about who I am now, but to mostly just point out, how I feel, that i'm open to contact, and that I will be patient. Also, to add that I will respect her wishes if she is not ready for contact, but to ask that if thats the case for her to respectfully respond that she is not.

I'm nervous and excited scared and happy,

My Amom was so thrilled when I told her the news! I'm so blessed! I have a wonderful support system with my mom, Fur, and my adoption.com family.

A Broken Piece; Mended

So after trying not to think about adoption for a while it popped up again in the most wonder/strange/surprising way. We celebrated China Doll's second birthday yesterday and Mom brought over a wooden crib that I used to play with as a child...

... I didn't really think much of it, but was kind of happy my mom saves everything.. well, at least I thought she saved everything..

turns out it wasn't just a toy crib, it had deeper meaning, tied to my life, which made me think, I HAVE THE BEST MOM EVER!

We were talking about the crib and I was kind of joking about the fact that she even saved to original pillow and blanket... Then she told me, that when I came to her family, so did, the crib. It was from HER! My 1st mom!

My A Mom decided that since it was given to me from my 1st Mom, and now that I have a daughter, it was only right to pass it along.

Everything at that moment clicked... and I kind of wanted to cry.. well no I really wanted to cry.

All the times when the crib was in a pile of toys, or upside down and Mom would fuss about it and put it away, she was protecting something that later in life would have great meaning, she was protecting what little I had from my 1st Mom.

Then I thought about my search and the "what ifs" What if she doesn't want to talk to me? What if she forgot about me? What if she doesn't love me?

All of those things at that every split second moment flew away....

....She gave me a sturdy wooden crib that would last a life time, and now my daughters... was it hers as a child? She wrote me a Christmas card for my 1st Christmas, she sent a Christianing gown (all thru the agency) and she even reached out when I was around the ages of 4-6....
My doubts about her love... those are GONE! I know she loves me, she gave me the life that she wanted me to have and could not give herself.
She had support, her mother, my Grandmother, who helped her to push the agnecy to send my gifts( my 1st grandmother was friends with a higher up at the agnecy)

and as a mother myself, I know that bond you create with your child before birth. I even at one point had to consider adoption for my son. My heart ached, my soul felt like it shattered...

In that moment I remembered all of it, and my heart broke for my 1st Mom, I love her, I don't know who she is, or what kind of person that she is, but I deep down, love her, because she is a Mother....

:(

Yup thats how I feel today. I know I've been absent I'm sorry. With wedding plans, searching, work, sick babies, bills, Well, I'm really overwhelmed.

I'll be back shortly maybe this afternoon, if i can clear my head