Need to find my Zen... and FAST!

So, I've noticed, I don't handle stress well AT ALL!

I've gone from a pack of cigarettes in 4 days, to a pack every 2 days, and with the Holidays, Its been more like a pack a day.

I haven't been able to get to sleep without laying in bed for a solid hour or longer, my brain turning, thinking about things I haven't finished, and the people who have pushed my buttons, or the bills that are due. So, needless to say I've been going on about 4 hours of sleep every night, which makes so a VERY grumpy person in the morning! Or the alternative, over sleeping which causes TOTAL chaos in the morning, I've done it all least twice a week since December started!

My skin, well my skin is reacting HORRIBLY! Break outs break outs break outs! Well, at least my skin looked great the day of the wedding. and then there is this. This lovely picture just goes to show you that I don't need to pull my hair out! It falls out on its own!



Can't believe I'm showing you this!

The only time I've ever had this happen was after China Doll was born. And trust me it was 100x worse then this, but this is how it started.

Now, if you actually know me, you know December last year was ROUGH! December 11, 2009, I pinched a nerve in my back while working at a restaurant. My General Manager was on vacation, so I was not able to file a claim until she came back.

I remember it VERY clearly. I tried to call out of work that afternoon because I was running a fever of 102.something and well, frankly its gross to be around food when you're that sick. The manager on duty said," take some medicine I'll see you at 4 and we can pretend we never had this conversation." Sadly, I couldn't lose my job and couldn't find anyone to cover my shift because, well, it was a Friday night, if they weren't already working its because they were going out!

So I take some cold medicine ALOT of cold medicine, and off to work I went. I felt terrible and by the time 1 AM rolled around I was ready to go! I had to restock the dishes as my side work, so off I go to grab a stack of plates, a very tall very heavy stack of plates. Get them to the line and my back starts to hurt a bit. I shrug it off and about 10 mins later my feet feel a bit numb. I joke to the kitchen manager that I can't feel my hands or feet, and maybe its because I took too much cold medicine. After I leave I took a friend home and start complaining about my feet again.

Lets just say Saturday and Sunday were spent laying on the couch body aching cold full force, my mom even brought me home made chicken noodle soup. I stayed on the couch because my back hurt otherwise, so Sunday night Fur gets me to bed, Monday morning I get up and fall straight to the floor. My legs weren't just numb anymore, I couldn't even left them.

Chris calls my mom in a panic and she tells him to bring them over. He calls his dad to let him know whats going on and that he won't be at work, we were off to the hospital. He had to get the kids in the car, and then help me down the stairs.

When we got to the ER I had to fill out the paperwork, but couldn't hold the pen, I freaked! I burst into tears, I felt helpless, I've NEVER needed anyone like that in my life!

So I had to wait for my GM to come back from vacation to file the paperwork and then she yelled at me for waiting a week to file the paperwork! WELL I'M SORRY I HAD TO GET HURT WHILE YOU WERE ON VACATION! ugh! She then made sure I would get NO help from the doctors because they reported my hand to be injured not my back and all of the doctors were out of town until after the New Year!

Stress hit me hard then too, the Friday after my 1st hospital visit, so 4 days later, I developed Bells Palsy. So there I was, couldn't walk without falling, could barely hold anything, couldn't hold my baby, and now couldn't move half of my face! Wrose Christmas EVER!

I actually didn't start walking properly again until about March of this year, and everytime I get a pain in my back or my feet start feeling numb I spaz!

I hate this time of the year.....

Hot Button Topics (HBT) Series: Volume 1: A-Parents VS B-Parents

Before really diving into the world of adoption. I had this jaded view of how things worked.
"A loving mother who just can't support her child, decides to make an adoption plan.?
Wouldn't that just be sugar dust and fairies if all adoptions were open, and all adoptees knew their info. But can't a girl dream?

Anyways, back to the topic


Keep in mind this series is about Hot Button Topics, they are not meant to offend ANYONE! Just things I have noticed since emmersing myself into the adoption world that seem to push buttons.

A-Parents VS B-Parents

I've noticed a distrubing divide between these two groups and sadly, adoptees are  kind of stuck in the middle to choose sides. I can't completly understand this divide only because I myself am a bit of an outsider( neither being an Aparent nor a Bparent.

What bugs me about this, is the fact that there is even a divide about this issue, yes emotions are running high, but can we not just be civil and acknowledge eachothers feelings and emotions with empathy and care? We are all humans, and certain things push certain buttons, but I feel that we couldn't act in the split second, take a breath, and think about something before you say it. I may only be 24, but I've had to learn to do this, otherwise my mother and I would have scratched eachothers eyes out by now!

In a way both groups (not always but there are a few individuals) paint eachother as "the bad guy".

Any neither group is innocent when it comes to this because it's gone both ways on several different occasions.

Sadly with all of the head butting, it seems to be a bit of a step back in the works towards adoption reform,

How are we going to move forward with adoptee rights, bparent rights and aparent rights when we can't just agree to disagree?

Bloggity View

So, I'm thinking about Changing some things up around here, While iIdo love the way my blog looks, its very limited, and I think it's time to expand a bit, any opinions?

**THUD**"OMG!", WWWAHHH! "MOMMY!?"

My little China Doll, is no longer a baby, this saddens me!

So the other night I noticed she was trying to climb out of her crib during her late night diaper change.
"OH NO!" was the thought that came to mind.
Monkey NEVER even tried, he was so timid, he's just now getting over the fear of heights.
With him, he HATED the toddler bed, because mommy couldn't climb into the bed with him, luckily, since i was still living with my parents, there was a twin bed in his room, so I would lie with him in the bed unil he fell asleep, and he wouldn't get out of his bed in the morning, just call for me.
The big boy bed didn't really start until Chris and I started dating, Chris really wanted the both of us to spend the night, I explained he was still in the crib, but Chris just really wanted for US to spend the night, not me, but Monkey and I had to come together (heart melting).  So Monkey started sleeping in the guest room, I would lay with him until he was asleep, sometimes I would fall asleep with him and Chris would come in the room and wake me up, sometimes he would just let me sleep, come give us both a kiss and make sure we were nice and warm... (I knew I loved him for a reason)

anyway, back to Miss China Doll prissy pants lol

So, the next night after she tries to climb out, I'm washing the dishes in the kitchen and she begins to cry, I check on her, and she complains about being wet, so I take her to the bathroom (we're potty training) and she goes and is all excited, I put her back in her crib and check her cup, she's out of water. So, I go to the kitchen to refill her cup with some cold water (her room is ALWAYS scorching) and I her **THUD** I yell an obscene word and run to her room, Chris close behind me, There she is mid scream flat on her back eyes the size of half dollars, on the floor.
She climbed out of her crib and landed flat on her back. I grab her and rock her as she says "Mommy?" "Yes, baby?" "I hurt! Fall down! Ow! Kiss it!"

Needless to say, she hasn't yet dared to try it again, so the toddler bed has been put on hold, but my baby is growing up too fast!

Hot Button Topics In the Adoption World Series

I was recently on the a.com forums and a 1st Mom dear to my heart was very upset about a fellow blogger and adoptive mother's post.

Me being the nosy person I am, OF COURSE I have to read this thread that has been closed for some reason I have to find out.

Well, I found the blog post she was speaking of, and at first I have to admit I was pissed! I mean pissed.
But it got me thinking, it was thought provoking, which I like, I mean look I finally have an adoption related topic to post about! Stay with me...

But in all fairness to the Blogger who was put on the spot, she is intitalled to her own opinion. And I HIGHLY doubt that the 1st mom who got upset was anywhere near the bloggers mind when she wrote this post.
Personally I don't know anything about the Bloggers adoption journey, her childrens birthmom could be just what she described in her post. And I know there are people out there that have made an adoption plan because it was just too late to abort. Which is saddening, but it's also their right, and honestly, good for them, because no child shuld be in a home where they aren't wanted

I would almost like to say what kind of birthmothers are out there. And in the same sense I can say what kind of adoptive mothers are out there. But then again, what kind of mothers are out there is the right question to ask

There are mothers from all walks of life, all coming from different situations, and all making different choices, because it's their life.

So, I guess what I'm getting at, is that

In the adoption world, there are alot of sensitive topics.

I'm going to start a bit of a Series of Hot Button Topics/Issues in the Adoption World, Follow if you dare.

feel free to request some things you'd like me to cover,

The series is basically to provoke thought, and NOT attack any side of the triad.

I'm still Alive I Promise!

I've been so busy at work and at home I haven't had a chance to blog! I promise I'll have something interesting up tomorrow. Just give me some time to get over this nasty cold!

Pro Photos Are Here!

Okay, so I have to thank Mikey and his parents for my beautiful pictures!

i'm going to try to get them in order so bare with me please! Here are just a few(okay a ton) of my fav photos!

 My nephew and niece

 Shes a total Princess

 My Brother in Law and Chris

 My father in law and his wife

 Chris's Grandparents Brother Mom and Step dad

 Best Man, Groom, Father of the groom and Groomsmen

 Best Man, Groom, Father of the Groom,Step-Father of the Groom and Groomsmen

 Blended Family

 Dad's side

 The Diva has arrived!

 My ride or die girls

 Smyes!

 My "brother" I love him my hero!

 Me and my parents

 We're so hot!

 Welcome to the family Chris!

 THE BRIDE! I need a sword!

 Ring exchange

 She decided to clean up

 Kiss the bride!

 My dads family!

 The bridal party, Junior Bride, Bridesmaid, Maid of honor, me!, Money (ring barer) Chris, Best man Groomsmen

 Natalie yelling "mommy look!"

 He is so silly i love it!

 We're finally Married!!

 Cuting the cake! Props to my boss!

 He was so sweet!

 NOM!

 My Moose! He made such a beautiful toast! Reminded Chris how unique I was!

 My toast to my friends, family, and husband

 All my life K-ci and Jo Jo

 Daddy Fur is finally his step daddy! he was so happy

 Family portarit

 Daddys girl

 She loves to dance

 He's singing to us!

 Happy!

 Our time to show them how its done!

 Dad out danced me!

 I rarely smiles, this warms my heart!

 Chris and his mom, The Dance Garth Brooks

 Her youngest child, her baby boy, she looks so happy

 Moose and his beautiful gf, possibly a summer 2011 wedding! I can't wait and my dear friend Bo!

 Ack my poor van!

at least they had fun! The End of the BIG DAY, the beginning of the rest of our lives!

OMG I THINK I FOUND HER

i can't breath, can't focus, want to vomit from nerves, cry, scream, want to go home and look at her facebook from  my computer not my freakin phone! holy crap now what... how do i approach her... omg omg omg omg omg....... happy cry.

More Wedding Photos!