Pissed off Adoptee (POA)

To Whom this may Concern:

I would like to ask you a question. Do you know your medical history? Did your grandmother have cancer? Your mom? Maybe even your sister? So that means that you should probably get tested right? Early detection leads to a better quality of life, right? So then what if I told you that I don't know what my family history is? No, I did not loose my family in some horrible accident, no, I am not an orphan. I have a loving family who raised me and loved me. But the thing is, I have 2 identities. My name is Nicole, but my name was once Rachel. You see, I'm an adult adoptee. Like myself, there are so many others who know nothing about our birth families, except for the information that you let them provide in a closed adoption. I know that 26 years ago everyone in my biological family seemed to have been in good health. 26 years is a long time when health issues come to mind.

Now, if I was related by blood to my adoptive family I would know that I need to get checked for diabetes, hypertension, and breast cancer. I would know that weight is a major problem for me when I reached my 40s. But I know none of these things. I get to go to a new doctors office and check unknown for all family history, because I don't know. I know I have another family out there somewhere, but because you feel you need to protect my birth families rights, you step on mine. You step on my children's rights and the future generations of my continued blood line. The thing is, closed adoptions are cruel. You severed the tie between my birth mother and I, you hold my identity hostage and then you praise all of the people out there how have made the choice to relinquish, because families need children. Well what about the children who were removed from unfit homes? Stop grasping for the newborns, stop stealing us away. Use the money and the resources that you have to help those children who need it.

Signing off,
A Pissed Off Adoptee

The Adoption Issues Arise Again- The Never Ending Cycle

I am adding this to the Hot Button Series, because in all honesty, no one wants to talk about it, but Adoption Issues are a serious thing that affect every adoptee in one way or another and they surface at different times in different lives, but they are very real, and can cripple those who do not have support or those that do not recognize why we are feeling a certain way.

Abandonment

I've been feeling that stupid tug again.... The reoccurring issues of  "Who am I?", "Where did I come from?", "What does she look like?"

I'm scanning faces again, looking for anyone who I might look like, but I know I won't find the face I'm looking for.

Looking in the mirror has become difficult again, looking at China Doll's face, that dimple, Monkey and CD's toes, they got those traits from me, but where did I get them?

I was reading THIS article and it made a lot of sense to me, some things I do not agree with as these are generalized statements, but for me personally, a lot of it rang true.

THIS article made me want to write my own "Personal History"  just so I can show you how One sided my history is, this is what I know from "stories" from my adoptive family and my Non-Id information given to me by Catholic Charities


"I was born on Sept. 15, 1986, in Arlington County Virginia, No I do not know what city. My mother had just completed her senior year in high school and my father was a college Freshmen. They were both very active in sports and this is how they met. My birth mother become pregnant while they were no longer in a serious relationship. They decided together that their educations were important and that I deserved to be raised in a two parent household. My maternal Grandmother was very supportive and went to all appointments with my mother. They even visited me at the adoption agency before I was placed with my forever family."

Now that I think about it, as an infant, I experienced several losses in my short 3 months of life. You see, the first loss was losing my mother, the woman that carried me in her womb for 9 months, the voice I heard, the heartbeat I had grown to love, the only person I knew. I was then placed with a foster family. This was a family that cared for me, nurtured me, soothed my cries, and tried to fill the void of the loss that I had experienced from the day I was born. When I was placed with my forever family, I experienced the loss of my foster family. The only people I knew to care for me for those short months of my life. I had to adjust so many times in such a short amount of time. And to think, that I would see my birth mother, that she would hold me, that I would feel that bond and connection with the person who kept me safe for 9 months, only to be taken away after a short visit.

I was recently diagnosed with adjustment disorder, and as I've been writing this, I realize that all of the adjustments I had to deal with in as such a small, helpless infant, may be the root cause of why I react so badly to change, why I think everyone I love will leave, why I try so hard to please everyone around me, in fear that I will make one mistake and that they will reject and abandon me.

A Change of Heart?

Being on the adoption forums has taught me more then I could have ever imagined about reunion.

And over the years I have searched for my 1st mother with a burning passion and desire to know my natural mother. Last night hit me hard, but not in the sense that you would think. Just stay with me it will all make sense in just a minute.

Last night, Chris and I were watching one of our favorite shows, The Ghost Whisperer, and it was the episode where a 17 year old boy finds out that he was adopted and tragically dies while arguing with his adoptive mother about finding his birth mother. In the middle of the show Chris looks at me and says "I'm giving you the money to find your birth mother."

Now the old me would have jumped up and down or maybe just cried tears of joy, but the more educated me, well, she sat there and stared at her husband, and thought of more practical things to do with $500. My poor husband, Chris just looked at me "Aren't you happy? You have to find her, you've always wanted to find her."

It was so hard to explain to him that I've learned that reunion isn't as simple as finding each other, it's about building a lasting relationship, it's about ups and downs, and emotional draining if things don't go well in Reunion Land.

I've stopped letting my search dictate how my emotions are for the day. I've stopped letting it consume me. I'm a wife and a mother of 2 kids under 6, I don't have time to dwell on the "what ifs" anymore. I also have to think about whether right now is a good time to possible interrupt my children's lives and my husbands, and my parents lives because it's not just about me if a reunion happens. Am I ready to rock the boat?

In the back of my mind I also know that I am the Queen of Avoidance. I am afraid of change and I allow myself to get comfortable. I really need to reflect on this one. It's so funny to think had someone told me when I was 18 that they would give me the money to find her I would have jumped without hesitation, and here I am at 24, being cautious.

I may call the agency today and have them pull my file for me, I do not want to spend $500 for the request to search and permission to search paperwork if she's made sure I can't find her. I know she last updated her file 19 years ago. Maybe they'll just tell me if her full name and birthdate are in the file. With knowing that information, I'll know what direction I have options for. But this is going to need a lot of thought and a lot of prayer. Wish me luck.

Hot Button Topics In the Adoption World Series

I was recently on the a.com forums and a 1st Mom dear to my heart was very upset about a fellow blogger and adoptive mother's post.

Me being the nosy person I am, OF COURSE I have to read this thread that has been closed for some reason I have to find out.

Well, I found the blog post she was speaking of, and at first I have to admit I was pissed! I mean pissed.
But it got me thinking, it was thought provoking, which I like, I mean look I finally have an adoption related topic to post about! Stay with me...

But in all fairness to the Blogger who was put on the spot, she is intitalled to her own opinion. And I HIGHLY doubt that the 1st mom who got upset was anywhere near the bloggers mind when she wrote this post.
Personally I don't know anything about the Bloggers adoption journey, her childrens birthmom could be just what she described in her post. And I know there are people out there that have made an adoption plan because it was just too late to abort. Which is saddening, but it's also their right, and honestly, good for them, because no child shuld be in a home where they aren't wanted

I would almost like to say what kind of birthmothers are out there. And in the same sense I can say what kind of adoptive mothers are out there. But then again, what kind of mothers are out there is the right question to ask

There are mothers from all walks of life, all coming from different situations, and all making different choices, because it's their life.

So, I guess what I'm getting at, is that

In the adoption world, there are alot of sensitive topics.

I'm going to start a bit of a Series of Hot Button Topics/Issues in the Adoption World, Follow if you dare.

feel free to request some things you'd like me to cover,

The series is basically to provoke thought, and NOT attack any side of the triad.

OMG I THINK I FOUND HER

i can't breath, can't focus, want to vomit from nerves, cry, scream, want to go home and look at her facebook from  my computer not my freakin phone! holy crap now what... how do i approach her... omg omg omg omg omg....... happy cry.

Letter to ALL Parents

"If you were writing a letter to ALL of your parents, both bio & adoptive - what would it say?

Doesn't have to be on personal terms, mind you. It can be a generic thought process that you would say to all parents going into an adoptive situation that will offer the adoptee perspective and give them things to think about."

Read this on the adoption.com forums today, and it gave me a thought, "What WOULD I write?" So this is what I will be working on... check back later for that post...



edit: So I wrote my letter and here it is...

I feel that I need to write this letter on a personal side only because of the process of my search, to me it may be cleansing, to write a letter my 1^st mom, she may or may not see this, and a letter to my Mom, finally completely opening up on my true thoughts of “my life as an adoptee.”

I wanted to write this letter to the both of you, so you both can see my story, from my heart.

            To start, my Mama; the one who was there when I skinned my knee or a boy broke my heart. I don’t think there could have been a single thing that I would change when it comes to your openness about my adoption. You listened to my questions and answered them to the best of your abilities. You always knew when to hold on to something I wasn’t old enough to process, and you always made it a point, to tell me the positives about my 1^st Mom. You encouraged me to dance because you knew that it was a passion but you also knew it was a way for me to connect with my 1^st Mom. You saved precious gifts from her and knew when the time was right for me to appreciate them fully. And when it came time for me to search, you have been here, holding my hand, giving me any information that may help. You have shared my excitement when the search gets close, and you have wiped and shared my tears when we hit a dead end. I can not thank you enough for your honesty, endless support and love. I can not wait for the day that I can see you and my 1^st mom together as you complain about how wild I was in my teens! J

            To my 1^st Mom, the one who heard my heart first, my guiding star, the first to make a life changing decision in my behalf. I wanted you to read the letter to my Mom first, so that you can see that in my search I’m not trying to replace the mother that I have, and that she is in full support of me finding you.

            You are the one who gave me life, without you, my family may not have had a child, and I know from my Mom’s heart she would like to thank you. I do not know your name, I do not know your face, and I do not know what kind of person that you are; but I want you to know that I love you; I love you for giving me life and at no point have I ever been angry about your choice. I do have empathy for you, because I too had a child at a young age and could not imagine the grief that was in your heart. I would love to get to know you and your family and have you all join ours when the time is right.

            I do understand that there is a possibility that you are not ready for contact, but I hope that this letter will at least give you peace and know that my door will always be open to you.

To potential adoptive parents;

Please make sure to be understanding of your adopted child’s questions. Only tell your children facts about their 1^st parents. Some things may be hard to hear so make sure they are old enough to process those feelings, and be there to hold them tightly when they need it the most. If open adoption or semi open adoption is out of the question, get enough information about the 1^st parents as you can, because one day your kids may want to search. Even if you feel threatened by the search, remember it’s your child’s journey and they may need you if the reunion isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.

To future 1^st parents:

Remember, sometimes your children may not look for you, or their childhood may not always be peaches and cream. But they will always be your child, and don’t ever let society take that away from you. You have the right to grieve, to be angry, and confused. You have the right to process your feelings in a way that’s right for you. And for those of you, who may be contacted by your relinquished children, remember to set your boundaries, take things slow, and try to build a lasting relationship. And if your reunion has to be put on hold because your child may not be mature enough to handle it, or may be disrespectful or try to make you feel guilty, don’t accept that, do not allow them to make you relive your guilt. If ending the reunion is a healthier end to the story so be it.

I thank everyone who took the time to read this, but I think it helped me. It made me really think about what I wanted to say and process a lot all at the same time. I reminded me that in my search I have to be patient and kind, and to review what kind of relationship I want to have with my Bfamily and to take things slowly.

A Broken Piece; Mended

So after trying not to think about adoption for a while it popped up again in the most wonder/strange/surprising way. We celebrated China Doll's second birthday yesterday and Mom brought over a wooden crib that I used to play with as a child...

... I didn't really think much of it, but was kind of happy my mom saves everything.. well, at least I thought she saved everything..

turns out it wasn't just a toy crib, it had deeper meaning, tied to my life, which made me think, I HAVE THE BEST MOM EVER!

We were talking about the crib and I was kind of joking about the fact that she even saved to original pillow and blanket... Then she told me, that when I came to her family, so did, the crib. It was from HER! My 1st mom!

My A Mom decided that since it was given to me from my 1st Mom, and now that I have a daughter, it was only right to pass it along.

Everything at that moment clicked... and I kind of wanted to cry.. well no I really wanted to cry.

All the times when the crib was in a pile of toys, or upside down and Mom would fuss about it and put it away, she was protecting something that later in life would have great meaning, she was protecting what little I had from my 1st Mom.

Then I thought about my search and the "what ifs" What if she doesn't want to talk to me? What if she forgot about me? What if she doesn't love me?

All of those things at that every split second moment flew away....

....She gave me a sturdy wooden crib that would last a life time, and now my daughters... was it hers as a child? She wrote me a Christmas card for my 1st Christmas, she sent a Christianing gown (all thru the agency) and she even reached out when I was around the ages of 4-6....
My doubts about her love... those are GONE! I know she loves me, she gave me the life that she wanted me to have and could not give herself.
She had support, her mother, my Grandmother, who helped her to push the agnecy to send my gifts( my 1st grandmother was friends with a higher up at the agnecy)

and as a mother myself, I know that bond you create with your child before birth. I even at one point had to consider adoption for my son. My heart ached, my soul felt like it shattered...

In that moment I remembered all of it, and my heart broke for my 1st Mom, I love her, I don't know who she is, or what kind of person that she is, but I deep down, love her, because she is a Mother....

A 1st Mom in Every Face...

Sorry I took a little break, with 31 days until the wedding I've been super busy.

But I was reading an adoption blog and post kinda made me think. I myself, Scan....

Which to me logically makes no sense, "Why would you do that?" "As far as you know she's still in Virginia"

It makes me feel desperate. And a little pathetic. I don't know, I think i'm having such a hard time right now because my dream wedding with nothing huge

my dream wedding was having MY family there, and I mean ALL of my family

I always invisioned going to my Mom for her wisdom, her guidence,
I always dreamed about clinging to my Daddy, feeling like he was actually proud of me for once,

and then SHE would be there... my 1st Mom... she would be beaming with pride, knowing that there was no longer a need to worry about weather she made that right decision or not,

I have always invisioned all of us, my family that i've grown up with that have been my biggest fans, the family I never met but share a piece of my heart with and my new husbands family. Coming together as one...

okay, i can't right now, sorry, maybe when I can get it together I'll post more.

4 Yr Olds Say the Darnest Things!

Explaining Adoption to a 4Yr Old

“Mommy, can the doctor put China Doll back in your tummy? I don’t want her anymore she cries too much!”

My little Monkey said this about a month after My Doll was born, he is now heading towards the age of 5 and Doll is going to be 2 this month.

Later A( step mom) became pregnant, he saw her tummy grow and out come Willy exactly a year after China Doll was born.

Monkey likes to talk about how he was in Mommy’s tummy and that one day he was bored and came out! (Oh how I love talking to kids!)

So then he added “Just like you came out of Mama’s (my Mom) tummy, right Mommy?”

Mental pause, I never thought about having to explain that to them at such a young age, so out pops the best age appropriate answer I could think of while driving down the road.

“Baby, mommy didn’t grow in Mama’s tummy, Mommy was adopted”

“What’s ‘dopted?”

“Well, it means that Mommy grew in someone else’s tummy”

“But why couldn’t you grow up in Mama’s tummy?”

Wow this kid sure knows what to ask; doesn’t he!?

“Mama’s tummy didn’t know how to grow a baby, so Mama found me”

I winged it, I know it could have sounded a lot better!!

“Oh well, where’s the lady that you grew in her tummy?”

“I’m not sure baby, but she couldn’t give me everything that she needed for a baby, but I can tell you that she loved me very much! And that Mama was very happy that she finally could have a baby even if I didn’t grow in her tummy”