I's Married Now. Did you hear me? I's Married Now!

Yay! I am a Mrs. now! Yesterday was just as terrible/wonderful as I expected, so there were no surprises! Well there was one but I'll get to that later. Here's how the day went in my eyes.


Got up at about 7:30ish. And farted around the house for a bit.Woke up Prava and told him to get in the shower. Luckily I showered the night before because I knew! I wouldn't have time. Put a movie on for Damien to keep him out of my hair, made sure we didn't miss anything the night before that needed to be in the car and started finishing up on my paper flowers.

Around 8 is when D'Antonio came over and he helped with the flowers. He's great he really helped me giggle that morning and I REALLY needed that. So, I call the Best Man (Worst Man) to see where he is, and well, no answer. Apparently he was out drinking all night so I was in a panic. I texted my wedding planner telling her I doubted he'd be there at 11 since no one could get in touch with him. She then called my mother who called Prava and they took away my cell phone :( I was not allowed to be stressed so I was not allowed to have my phone and IMHO it caused more stress. My bridesmaid, Aimee, got to my house around 9 with breakfast (I love her) and the cake. She helped me get the kids dressed so we could bolt out the door.

I left the house around 9:30 to go get the junoir bride, then remembered that I forgot my earrings, but I couldn't call to tell anyone (hense why no cell phone caused more stress) So, with all the kids in tow I had to turn around and go get my earrings! Got to my moms house and my bridesmaids were not there yet, so I drove to the club house to see if they were there dropping off the cake... nope. I think they just drove REALLY slowly since they had an 85 lb cake in the car!!Chris went to his brothers house to bring him along, and he wasn't home. Apparently they spent the night somewhere else.

So they get to my moms and I start on Jr Brides hair, get it finished and at that point we all had to go to the club house for one last run thru. Well we wait, and we wait, and we wait. The officiant didn't get there until 11:30 (planner told us 11 so we'd all be there on time). Well, the Worst Man didn't show. We do the walk thru any way. At that point I was a wreck because EVERYTHING was running way too far behind. My friend Beau met us at the venue to help if needed. (my friends are AMAZING)

Get to my mom's house at 12:15 and the hair and makeup team were still 15mins out. UGH! So i say screw it, and I help Aimee get into her gown (her hair and makeup were done at 8!, again I  LOVE her) And by then the hair and makeup team are there. Robert is doing Prava's makeup (hes a MAC artist) My hair and makeup are under way while Aimee gets Monkey dressed. UGH! 1 O'clock, 1:30, 1:45, DAMNIT! The photographer was at the venue by 12:45.... I was supposed to be there at 1! So I get there at 2 and ceremony is supposed to start at 2:30, at this point is where things get hazey, and I enter my "Bride Bubble".

I told myself I wasn't going to cry, but the second we drover by Chris, my eyes started welling. I fought those tears back but I then got out of the car, his mom walked up to me, gave me a hug and told me I was beautiful. WATER WORKS! Thank you for water proof eye makeup! We did the group photos on the bridge, and then just me and Chris. I was on cloud 9, didn't see anymore really. We had the moment I really wanted, standing there on the bridge, just looking into eachothers eyes.

Ceremony was perfect. all 20 mins of it lol! Short, sweet and to the point. China Doll thought it was beautiful too. My daddy handed me to Chris. We held hands the entire ceremony. I was fine, until it was time for me to say my vows, I started with a few tears, then cracked voice! I couldn't wait to kiss him! We jumped the broom and then did a German tradition of sawing the log, it symbolizes working together as a couple. Then we took the rest of the group shots, and honestly I can't remember who I did and didn't take pictures with, I was in my bubble still.

The reception was great, started rocky with my mom and Chris's brother (the Worst Man) getting into a fight in front of all the guests. ACK! But we did the toasts first, my "brother" Moose said such beautiful words reminded Chris that he found a truely unique woman and wished us luck. I then toasted to my friends, family, and Chris, and yes, I cried then too! The 1st dance was great, we had a quiet moment to ourselves, and then Monkey ran over wrapped his arms around each of our legs and danced with us. Then China Doll came over, he held her close, and with Monkey at my side, we danced as a full offical family. Ack! Tearing up now thinking about it!

My father daughter dance, was better then I expected, Dad chose "Happy People" by R. Kelly. I got to celebrate with the my dad, I've always wanted to feel like he was proud of me, and at the moment in time, with my dad, stepping, and spinning me on the dance floor was OUR moment. Then China Doll ran up to him threw her arms in the air, Monkey ran to me and all 4 of us boogied. Chris and his mom danced to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, and it was beautiful.

My cake was AMAZING! Hats off to my wonderful Boss (and Aimees Mom) who made the most beautiful cake! It was delicious too! All in all, with its ups and downs, we had a beatiful family filled love filled day. And here I am at work, (Gotta keep on trucking lol) Chris is at home with back pains, I'm exhausted, but can't stop glowing!

Yesterday on Nov 14, 2010, I married My best friend, the one I laugh with, live for dream with, love.






On the Ride Home Can you see the shaving cream on the windows?



Letter to ALL Parents

"If you were writing a letter to ALL of your parents, both bio & adoptive - what would it say?

Doesn't have to be on personal terms, mind you. It can be a generic thought process that you would say to all parents going into an adoptive situation that will offer the adoptee perspective and give them things to think about."

Read this on the adoption.com forums today, and it gave me a thought, "What WOULD I write?" So this is what I will be working on... check back later for that post...



edit: So I wrote my letter and here it is...

I feel that I need to write this letter on a personal side only because of the process of my search, to me it may be cleansing, to write a letter my 1^st mom, she may or may not see this, and a letter to my Mom, finally completely opening up on my true thoughts of “my life as an adoptee.”

I wanted to write this letter to the both of you, so you both can see my story, from my heart.

            To start, my Mama; the one who was there when I skinned my knee or a boy broke my heart. I don’t think there could have been a single thing that I would change when it comes to your openness about my adoption. You listened to my questions and answered them to the best of your abilities. You always knew when to hold on to something I wasn’t old enough to process, and you always made it a point, to tell me the positives about my 1^st Mom. You encouraged me to dance because you knew that it was a passion but you also knew it was a way for me to connect with my 1^st Mom. You saved precious gifts from her and knew when the time was right for me to appreciate them fully. And when it came time for me to search, you have been here, holding my hand, giving me any information that may help. You have shared my excitement when the search gets close, and you have wiped and shared my tears when we hit a dead end. I can not thank you enough for your honesty, endless support and love. I can not wait for the day that I can see you and my 1^st mom together as you complain about how wild I was in my teens! J

            To my 1^st Mom, the one who heard my heart first, my guiding star, the first to make a life changing decision in my behalf. I wanted you to read the letter to my Mom first, so that you can see that in my search I’m not trying to replace the mother that I have, and that she is in full support of me finding you.

            You are the one who gave me life, without you, my family may not have had a child, and I know from my Mom’s heart she would like to thank you. I do not know your name, I do not know your face, and I do not know what kind of person that you are; but I want you to know that I love you; I love you for giving me life and at no point have I ever been angry about your choice. I do have empathy for you, because I too had a child at a young age and could not imagine the grief that was in your heart. I would love to get to know you and your family and have you all join ours when the time is right.

            I do understand that there is a possibility that you are not ready for contact, but I hope that this letter will at least give you peace and know that my door will always be open to you.

To potential adoptive parents;

Please make sure to be understanding of your adopted child’s questions. Only tell your children facts about their 1^st parents. Some things may be hard to hear so make sure they are old enough to process those feelings, and be there to hold them tightly when they need it the most. If open adoption or semi open adoption is out of the question, get enough information about the 1^st parents as you can, because one day your kids may want to search. Even if you feel threatened by the search, remember it’s your child’s journey and they may need you if the reunion isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.

To future 1^st parents:

Remember, sometimes your children may not look for you, or their childhood may not always be peaches and cream. But they will always be your child, and don’t ever let society take that away from you. You have the right to grieve, to be angry, and confused. You have the right to process your feelings in a way that’s right for you. And for those of you, who may be contacted by your relinquished children, remember to set your boundaries, take things slow, and try to build a lasting relationship. And if your reunion has to be put on hold because your child may not be mature enough to handle it, or may be disrespectful or try to make you feel guilty, don’t accept that, do not allow them to make you relive your guilt. If ending the reunion is a healthier end to the story so be it.

I thank everyone who took the time to read this, but I think it helped me. It made me really think about what I wanted to say and process a lot all at the same time. I reminded me that in my search I have to be patient and kind, and to review what kind of relationship I want to have with my Bfamily and to take things slowly.

A Broken Piece; Mended

So after trying not to think about adoption for a while it popped up again in the most wonder/strange/surprising way. We celebrated China Doll's second birthday yesterday and Mom brought over a wooden crib that I used to play with as a child...

... I didn't really think much of it, but was kind of happy my mom saves everything.. well, at least I thought she saved everything..

turns out it wasn't just a toy crib, it had deeper meaning, tied to my life, which made me think, I HAVE THE BEST MOM EVER!

We were talking about the crib and I was kind of joking about the fact that she even saved to original pillow and blanket... Then she told me, that when I came to her family, so did, the crib. It was from HER! My 1st mom!

My A Mom decided that since it was given to me from my 1st Mom, and now that I have a daughter, it was only right to pass it along.

Everything at that moment clicked... and I kind of wanted to cry.. well no I really wanted to cry.

All the times when the crib was in a pile of toys, or upside down and Mom would fuss about it and put it away, she was protecting something that later in life would have great meaning, she was protecting what little I had from my 1st Mom.

Then I thought about my search and the "what ifs" What if she doesn't want to talk to me? What if she forgot about me? What if she doesn't love me?

All of those things at that every split second moment flew away....

....She gave me a sturdy wooden crib that would last a life time, and now my daughters... was it hers as a child? She wrote me a Christmas card for my 1st Christmas, she sent a Christianing gown (all thru the agency) and she even reached out when I was around the ages of 4-6....
My doubts about her love... those are GONE! I know she loves me, she gave me the life that she wanted me to have and could not give herself.
She had support, her mother, my Grandmother, who helped her to push the agnecy to send my gifts( my 1st grandmother was friends with a higher up at the agnecy)

and as a mother myself, I know that bond you create with your child before birth. I even at one point had to consider adoption for my son. My heart ached, my soul felt like it shattered...

In that moment I remembered all of it, and my heart broke for my 1st Mom, I love her, I don't know who she is, or what kind of person that she is, but I deep down, love her, because she is a Mother....