A Change of Heart?

Being on the adoption forums has taught me more then I could have ever imagined about reunion.

And over the years I have searched for my 1st mother with a burning passion and desire to know my natural mother. Last night hit me hard, but not in the sense that you would think. Just stay with me it will all make sense in just a minute.

Last night, Chris and I were watching one of our favorite shows, The Ghost Whisperer, and it was the episode where a 17 year old boy finds out that he was adopted and tragically dies while arguing with his adoptive mother about finding his birth mother. In the middle of the show Chris looks at me and says "I'm giving you the money to find your birth mother."

Now the old me would have jumped up and down or maybe just cried tears of joy, but the more educated me, well, she sat there and stared at her husband, and thought of more practical things to do with $500. My poor husband, Chris just looked at me "Aren't you happy? You have to find her, you've always wanted to find her."

It was so hard to explain to him that I've learned that reunion isn't as simple as finding each other, it's about building a lasting relationship, it's about ups and downs, and emotional draining if things don't go well in Reunion Land.

I've stopped letting my search dictate how my emotions are for the day. I've stopped letting it consume me. I'm a wife and a mother of 2 kids under 6, I don't have time to dwell on the "what ifs" anymore. I also have to think about whether right now is a good time to possible interrupt my children's lives and my husbands, and my parents lives because it's not just about me if a reunion happens. Am I ready to rock the boat?

In the back of my mind I also know that I am the Queen of Avoidance. I am afraid of change and I allow myself to get comfortable. I really need to reflect on this one. It's so funny to think had someone told me when I was 18 that they would give me the money to find her I would have jumped without hesitation, and here I am at 24, being cautious.

I may call the agency today and have them pull my file for me, I do not want to spend $500 for the request to search and permission to search paperwork if she's made sure I can't find her. I know she last updated her file 19 years ago. Maybe they'll just tell me if her full name and birthdate are in the file. With knowing that information, I'll know what direction I have options for. But this is going to need a lot of thought and a lot of prayer. Wish me luck.

OMG I THINK I FOUND HER

i can't breath, can't focus, want to vomit from nerves, cry, scream, want to go home and look at her facebook from  my computer not my freakin phone! holy crap now what... how do i approach her... omg omg omg omg omg....... happy cry.

Progress..

So as of Monday, I might be able to have contact through Catholic Charities with my 1st Mom!!

Okay, let me start from the events of this week.

On Wednesday, I called CC of Arlington. Got the voicemail. Left a message that I wanted some info on my adoption file.

Thurday right before my break my cell BLEW UP, finally the mystery person left a message, I happen to glance at my phone and saw it was the CC number calling me back! I freaked! What if I get the voicemail again, so I check the VM at lunch and it was a wonderfuly nice lady, we'll call her T, Well, I call her back and she answers,

I let me know that I would like to request updated medical history and also if there was a way to correspond thru CC, she said it was completely possible, she will pull my file, and that I should call her Monday to check on her progress....

So, as you see, I may know if my 1st Mom is willing to be contacted.

I'm trying to remember that there is a chance she may not want contact, but I am drafting a letter, I received very wise advice, to not overwhelm with the 1st letter about who I am now, but to mostly just point out, how I feel, that i'm open to contact, and that I will be patient. Also, to add that I will respect her wishes if she is not ready for contact, but to ask that if thats the case for her to respectfully respond that she is not.

I'm nervous and excited scared and happy,

My Amom was so thrilled when I told her the news! I'm so blessed! I have a wonderful support system with my mom, Fur, and my adoption.com family.

:(

Yup thats how I feel today. I know I've been absent I'm sorry. With wedding plans, searching, work, sick babies, bills, Well, I'm really overwhelmed.

I'll be back shortly maybe this afternoon, if i can clear my head

A 1st Mom in Every Face...

Sorry I took a little break, with 31 days until the wedding I've been super busy.

But I was reading an adoption blog and post kinda made me think. I myself, Scan....

Which to me logically makes no sense, "Why would you do that?" "As far as you know she's still in Virginia"

It makes me feel desperate. And a little pathetic. I don't know, I think i'm having such a hard time right now because my dream wedding with nothing huge

my dream wedding was having MY family there, and I mean ALL of my family

I always invisioned going to my Mom for her wisdom, her guidence,
I always dreamed about clinging to my Daddy, feeling like he was actually proud of me for once,

and then SHE would be there... my 1st Mom... she would be beaming with pride, knowing that there was no longer a need to worry about weather she made that right decision or not,

I have always invisioned all of us, my family that i've grown up with that have been my biggest fans, the family I never met but share a piece of my heart with and my new husbands family. Coming together as one...

okay, i can't right now, sorry, maybe when I can get it together I'll post more.

Paying for MY information

If you follow me on the adoption.com forums, you'll know that I've been having a little bit of a problem submitting my "Request to search, and Permission to Search" paperwork. I have all of the information that I need I just don't have the outrageous $500 fee!!!

As stated on the forums by others, a $50 fee I understand, and maybe even $100 at the most. My problem lies with the fact, that I have to pay for MY information. And here's the kicker, I doubt I'd even get my original birth certificate, or any of MY information. I just gives me permission to search, IF my 1 st mother has provided her information for me to search. It will also give her my information, IF she is looking for me....

.... So, how do you feel about this topic? Do you think the fee is unreasonable? Or am I just being overly sensitive?

"My Adoption Story" Part 1...

Guilt: awareness of wrongdoing: an awareness of having done wrong or committed a crime, accompanied by feelings of shame and regret


Logically speaking, I understand the “definition” of the term. Then why do I feel guilty. I have no reason what so ever to feel “guilty”. I have committed no crime, none at all. But in throwing most of my energy into my search, I feel guilty.

My mother knows that I look. But I don’t think she knows how it’s affecting me emotional and how I have viewed myself most of my life because I was adopted.

My mom is a wonderful caring woman, who could not have children. She had no control over that. None at all, in fact between 6 lost pregnancies and stillborns I feel like I was that final missing puzzle piece. She wanted to desperately to be a mother; she nearly died in the process.

Later, came the idea of adoption, they were approved, now a child. My mom said at that point in her life (she was 38) any child, of any age, would have been her final piece.

As it happens I was chosen…there was no matching, “no waiting”. She saw a Catholic Charities commercial In Virginia, remember how they used to show the kids they had in foster care waiting for placement..? Well, I was one of those babies.

She called my dad, and they talked she called Catholic Charities, and they came to see me. Funny thing about me, as an infant I didn’t take so well to most adults. My foster parents were left handed. So when everyone held me, I guess it didn’t feel right. Well, my parents came to see me, my mother says when she saw me, and she knew immediately that I was supposed to be her child. =)

Now her being right handed, she picked me up, and I screamed! So my dad gave it a try, he was left handed, I guess I felt comfortable with him; he likes to say I chose them. I was nearly 3 months at the time I got to go home with them. Just in time to be home for my 1st Christmas.

I have the most beautiful card from my 1st mom (you will learn I hate adoption terminology). I cry when I think about it and I cry when I read it every time! She wishes me a Merry Christmas, and tells me that she loves me, I wish I had her hand writing, she calls me Baby Rachel, and even though it’s no longer my name, I connect with it only then. Maybe one day when I find her, since I have so many different nick names that can be “our” special thing.

Okay I’m drifting back to “my life story thus far”

I’ve always know I was adopted so there is no dramatic “when I found out story” and I guess I can’t stay that looking at my parents that I looked different, they are a biracial couple and I myself are biracial, my dads mother Grandma Deloris, she was mixed to so everyone said I looked like her. Lol!

Me being adopted is what I felt made me special! I was different and I loved it. As a kid that seemed to be what defined me. My mom would even make comments, "you know I bet you're just like your birth mother" refering to the fact that i'm kind of ADHA about finishing things! lol

You see I grew up being able to ask questions, and my mom would always answer them to the best of her ability.

When it came time to go over genetic traits in the 7th grade is when the questions really started. I remember the teacher saying, "For your assignment, I want you to go home and look at the physical traits that you have inheirted from your parents," that was the very 1st time I ever left like my "adoptee" status was holding me back....

I know this post is long and I'm sorry I will end here and post the rest of MY story at another time. Thank you for reading.