Monday, November 8, 2010

Letter to ALL Parents

"If you were writing a letter to ALL of your parents, both bio & adoptive - what would it say?

Doesn't have to be on personal terms, mind you. It can be a generic thought process that you would say to all parents going into an adoptive situation that will offer the adoptee perspective and give them things to think about."
Read this on the forums today, and it gave me a thought, "What WOULD I write?" So this is what I will be working on... check back later for that post...

edit: So I wrote my letter and here it is...

I feel that I need to write this letter on a personal side only because of the process of my search, to me it may be cleansing, to write a letter my 1st mom, she may or may not see this, and a letter to my Mom, finally completely opening up on my true thoughts of “my life as an adoptee.”

I wanted to write this letter to the both of you, so you both can see my story, from my heart.

            To start, my Mama; the one who was there when I skinned my knee or a boy broke my heart. I don’t think there could have been a single thing that I would change when it comes to your openness about my adoption. You listened to my questions and answered them to the best of your abilities. You always knew when to hold on to something I wasn’t old enough to process, and you always made it a point, to tell me the positives about my 1st Mom. You encouraged me to dance because you knew that it was a passion but you also knew it was a way for me to connect with my 1st Mom. You saved precious gifts from her and knew when the time was right for me to appreciate them fully. And when it came time for me to search, you have been here, holding my hand, giving me any information that may help. You have shared my excitement when the search gets close, and you have wiped and shared my tears when we hit a dead end. I can not thank you enough for your honesty, endless support and love. I can not wait for the day that I can see you and my 1st mom together as you complain about how wild I was in my teens! J

            To my 1st Mom, the one who heard my heart first, my guiding star, the first to make a life changing decision in my behalf. I wanted you to read the letter to my Mom first, so that you can see that in my search I’m not trying to replace the mother that I have, and that she is in full support of me finding you.
            You are the one who gave me life, without you, my family may not have had a child, and I know from my Mom’s heart she would like to thank you. I do not know your name, I do not know your face, and I do not know what kind of person that you are; but I want you to know that I love you; I love you for giving me life and at no point have I ever been angry about your choice. I do have empathy for you, because I too had a child at a young age and could not imagine the grief that was in your heart. I would love to get to know you and your family and have you all join ours when the time is right.
            I do understand that there is a possibility that you are not ready for contact, but I hope that this letter will at least give you peace and know that my door will always be open to you.

To potential adoptive parents;

Please make sure to be understanding of your adopted child’s questions. Only tell your children facts about their 1st parents. Some things may be hard to hear so make sure they are old enough to process those feelings, and be there to hold them tightly when they need it the most. If open adoption or semi open adoption is out of the question, get enough information about the 1st parents as you can, because one day your kids may want to search. Even if you feel threatened by the search, remember it’s your child’s journey and they may need you if the reunion isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.

To future 1st parents:

Remember, sometimes your children may not look for you, or their childhood may not always be peaches and cream. But they will always be your child, and don’t ever let society take that away from you. You have the right to grieve, to be angry, and confused. You have the right to process your feelings in a way that’s right for you. And for those of you, who may be contacted by your relinquished children, remember to set your boundaries, take things slow, and try to build a lasting relationship. And if your reunion has to be put on hold because your child may not be mature enough to handle it, or may be disrespectful or try to make you feel guilty, don’t accept that, do not allow them to make you relive your guilt. If ending the reunion is a healthier end to the story so be it.

I thank everyone who took the time to read this, but I think it helped me. It made me really think about what I wanted to say and process a lot all at the same time. I reminded me that in my search I have to be patient and kind, and to review what kind of relationship I want to have with my Bfamily and to take things slowly.

No comments:

Post a Comment