Monday, November 1, 2010

A Broken Piece; Mended

So after trying not to think about adoption for a while it popped up again in the most wonder/strange/surprising way. We celebrated China Doll's second birthday yesterday and Mom brought over a wooden crib that I used to play with as a child...

... I didn't really think much of it, but was kind of happy my mom saves everything.. well, at least I thought she saved everything..

turns out it wasn't just a toy crib, it had deeper meaning, tied to my life, which made me think, I HAVE THE BEST MOM EVER!

We were talking about the crib and I was kind of joking about the fact that she even saved to original pillow and blanket... Then she told me, that when I came to her family, so did, the crib. It was from HER! My 1st mom!

My A Mom decided that since it was given to me from my 1st Mom, and now that I have a daughter, it was only right to pass it along.

Everything at that moment clicked... and I kind of wanted to cry.. well no I really wanted to cry.

All the times when the crib was in a pile of toys, or upside down and Mom would fuss about it and put it away, she was protecting something that later in life would have great meaning, she was protecting what little I had from my 1st Mom.

Then I thought about my search and the "what ifs" What if she doesn't want to talk to me? What if she forgot about me? What if she doesn't love me?

All of those things at that every split second moment flew away....

....She gave me a sturdy wooden crib that would last a life time, and now my daughters... was it hers as a child? She wrote me a Christmas card for my 1st Christmas, she sent a Christianing gown (all thru the agency) and she even reached out when I was around the ages of 4-6....
My doubts about her love... those are GONE! I know she loves me, she gave me the life that she wanted me to have and could not give herself.
She had support, her mother, my Grandmother, who helped her to push the agnecy to send my gifts( my 1st grandmother was friends with a higher up at the agnecy)

and as a mother myself, I know that bond you create with your child before birth. I even at one point had to consider adoption for my son. My heart ached, my soul felt like it shattered...

In that moment I remembered all of it, and my heart broke for my 1st Mom, I love her, I don't know who she is, or what kind of person that she is, but I deep down, love her, because she is a Mother....

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