:(

Yup thats how I feel today. I know I've been absent I'm sorry. With wedding plans, searching, work, sick babies, bills, Well, I'm really overwhelmed.

I'll be back shortly maybe this afternoon, if i can clear my head

A 1st Mom in Every Face...

Sorry I took a little break, with 31 days until the wedding I've been super busy.

But I was reading an adoption blog and post kinda made me think. I myself, Scan....

Which to me logically makes no sense, "Why would you do that?" "As far as you know she's still in Virginia"

It makes me feel desperate. And a little pathetic. I don't know, I think i'm having such a hard time right now because my dream wedding with nothing huge

my dream wedding was having MY family there, and I mean ALL of my family

I always invisioned going to my Mom for her wisdom, her guidence,
I always dreamed about clinging to my Daddy, feeling like he was actually proud of me for once,

and then SHE would be there... my 1st Mom... she would be beaming with pride, knowing that there was no longer a need to worry about weather she made that right decision or not,

I have always invisioned all of us, my family that i've grown up with that have been my biggest fans, the family I never met but share a piece of my heart with and my new husbands family. Coming together as one...

okay, i can't right now, sorry, maybe when I can get it together I'll post more.

4 Yr Olds Say the Darnest Things!

Explaining Adoption to a 4Yr Old

“Mommy, can the doctor put China Doll back in your tummy? I don’t want her anymore she cries too much!”

My little Monkey said this about a month after My Doll was born, he is now heading towards the age of 5 and Doll is going to be 2 this month.

Later A( step mom) became pregnant, he saw her tummy grow and out come Willy exactly a year after China Doll was born.

Monkey likes to talk about how he was in Mommy’s tummy and that one day he was bored and came out! (Oh how I love talking to kids!)

So then he added “Just like you came out of Mama’s (my Mom) tummy, right Mommy?”

Mental pause, I never thought about having to explain that to them at such a young age, so out pops the best age appropriate answer I could think of while driving down the road.

“Baby, mommy didn’t grow in Mama’s tummy, Mommy was adopted”

“What’s ‘dopted?”

“Well, it means that Mommy grew in someone else’s tummy”

“But why couldn’t you grow up in Mama’s tummy?”

Wow this kid sure knows what to ask; doesn’t he!?

“Mama’s tummy didn’t know how to grow a baby, so Mama found me”

I winged it, I know it could have sounded a lot better!!

“Oh well, where’s the lady that you grew in her tummy?”

“I’m not sure baby, but she couldn’t give me everything that she needed for a baby, but I can tell you that she loved me very much! And that Mama was very happy that she finally could have a baby even if I didn’t grow in her tummy”

Paying for MY information

If you follow me on the adoption.com forums, you'll know that I've been having a little bit of a problem submitting my "Request to search, and Permission to Search" paperwork. I have all of the information that I need I just don't have the outrageous $500 fee!!!

As stated on the forums by others, a $50 fee I understand, and maybe even $100 at the most. My problem lies with the fact, that I have to pay for MY information. And here's the kicker, I doubt I'd even get my original birth certificate, or any of MY information. I just gives me permission to search, IF my 1 st mother has provided her information for me to search. It will also give her my information, IF she is looking for me....

.... So, how do you feel about this topic? Do you think the fee is unreasonable? Or am I just being overly sensitive?

What colors Make a Family?

Long Winded Again Sorry!

 "Mommy No One at School has Skin Like Mine"

My dear Monkey said this to me earlier this week, when we were discussing him having problems in Pre-k.

Now, I could maybe take this as an excuse, lets say if he were the only “white” child in the class, or maybe the only “black” child in the class. And all of his family was one or

the other…

But you have to understand the My Monkey has a VERY diverse family!

Once you see what I see on a daily, and what my Monkey has grown up with, I just asked him "Well baby, is anyone in our house or family the same color?"

his response "No mommy, I'm orange, your yellow, China Doll is kinda pink, and Daddy Fur is kinda orange sometimes he's yellow too!"

My next questions, "Isn't it so beautiful to have so many colors in our house?"

His next response melted my heart "Yes mommy but we need more colors, because we dont have enough for a rainbow!"

I love him!! I think its time to bring out the Skin color books. I thought with him being around so much color and so much diversity, Gay, Straight Black White brown yellow, Boy in a dress girl in a suit, that it was just unspoken but we may have to have a talk... :)

Heres our family diversity just in case you're wondering Good Luck not being confused

( just writing out Family he sees most FYI)

My AFamily-

Mom- Full blooded Caucasian German with heavy German accent, Light eyes, Dark hair

Dad- ¾ African America ¼ Caucasian, Milk Chocolate man with freckles

Me- ½ Caucasian African American and Japanese in there somewhere.. haha! Dark brown hair with natural red/copper tones light skin dark eyes

Ds family-

Monkeys Dad- Full blooded Italian, Dark Hair, Dark Eyes, Olive skin (COVERED in tattoos)

Monkeys Auntie Moochie- Dark hair, Translucent beautifully pale skin, Dark eyes

Moochie’s Hubby- Flaming red hair, light eyes, we call him Mr. Paste, he’s very pale!

Miss Kitty Moochies daughter- Dark Hair light eyes, vanilla skin

My Monkey is very fair skinned, with Olive undertones and tans very nicely (people ask if he’s Hispanic)

Fur Family (Monkeys Step Dad)

Fur- Vanilla skin, tans easily, Light brown Hair, bright blue eyes

China Doll(Monkeys half sister from me and Fur)- Porcelain skin (like a doll) dark hair and hazel eyes that change color

Cousin T- Blond hair blue eyes vanilla skin

Cousin A- Strawberry/dirty blonde with dark eyes

Auntie A- Olive Italian Skin, Dark hair

Uncle Brouder- Dark Hair Blue/green eyes vanilla skin

A(Monkeys step mom)- Pale skin, dark hair, blue eyes

Willy(Monkey’s other half sister) Creamy ivory skin with FIRE red hair and blue eyes

My Friends Monkey sees regularly

Uncle M- Dark Olive skin and “African American” textured curls

PC- Milk Chocolate Skin, with reddish undertones, part Native American

Uncle R- Dark Chocolate Skin dark hair dark eyes

Antie Gnome- pale skin freckles and dark readdish brown hair

I want to sent this to her when I find her!

Once there were two women who never knew each other,
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives, shaped to make your one,
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it,
The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent, the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
One gave you up...that's all that she could do,
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me, through your fears,
the age old question unanswered throughout the years...
Heredity or environment, Which are you the product of...
Neither my darling, neither...
Just two different kinds of love..

Author unknown

My Adoptee "status" Does Not Define ME.... My story Part 2

I am not Just an adoptee
I am not Just a daughter
I am not Just a woman
I am not Just a mother, a fiance, or just a friend
I am ME
I am ME because of where I came from,
because of where I went,
How I got there,
because of where I'm going
and How I will get there


I took me quite some time to get to this point.

I guess after the genetics courses in the 7th grade, I started defining myself as an adoptee.

I remember the stares I got as I raised my hand stated that there was no way I could do this assignment, and the way I felt when she said “Well just look at the personality traits you have from your parents.”

I was so different from my parents, how could I see what personality traits I got from them?

I remember that day all too well, I went home and observed.

“My mom is a neat freak; I’m am not
My dad is kind of messy, but well, he’s used to mom picking up after him; guess I get that from him….
My mom is LOUD!! But then again, she only has 10% hearing
I’m loud; but that’s because I’m so used to having to damn near yell so my mom can hear me, I guess I can write that down.
After going through it all I realized that even when you grow up with people, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to be anything like them AT ALL!
I’m super emotional, neither of my parents are. I’m hyper active, loud, can be annoying at times, wear my heart on my sleeves, not very ambitious, I hate anything to do with house work and I just want people to like me, even though I’ve realized I let people walk all over me.”

That’s when the major adoption interrogation happened (my poor mom) She told me everything she knew, and gave me the greatest gift I could have at that time, MY non-identifying info paperwork!!! I will never forget that day.

I went to my room sat on my bed and just stared at all the information my 1st mom had provided! She’s average height and weight, athletic build (LIKE ME!) blonde hair, blue eyes! My grandmother was short (LIKE ME!), and I have AN UNCLE! He was slender, brown hair green eyes! My 1st father side, He was tall and athletic (keep in mind my world was sports at this time, my parents not so much) his mother was short, and as the paperwork explained sounded like she was bottom heavy (LIKE ME!!)

It was insane to think that I seemed to have a very close personality as my 1st parents; we all love sports, she was a sprinter in track, I was a sprinter on the soccer field, and just by reading I knew that my body type with close to both of my grandmothers!!!

So I turned in a paper that stated something along the lines of “Due to the fact that I could not complete the original assignment, and given that the second assignment did not pertain to genetics AT ALL, I have provided similarities that I have with my birth parents,”

Needles to say people do not understand adoption unless they are a part of the triad. My science teacher called my mother, thinking that I made it all up for attention! My mother was livid! Her daughter is now in the midst of an identity crisis and now her teacher is calling her a story teller. That was a hard week….

……more later... thanks for reading!

Some Happy Thoughts

So I have found the best support, information, opinions, and thoughts from Adoption.com. There is one 1st mom there, RavenSong, that I seemed to have gravitated to.

In her posts she expresses so much love for her son that she placed for adoption, with whom she is in reunion.

She was one of the first people to respond to one of super emotional rants about my ups and downs of searching. And the words that she said to me made me want to read more.

I tend to only really read the "birth parents" forums (like I said I hate adoption terminology) because I want to see what they're going through, I want to get an idea of what what my 1st Mom could be going through. I mean i know different people process things in different ways, but I want to read and gather as much as i can.

If I do find her, I want to be able to prepare myself for everything.

Back to RavenSong; I know it sounds crazy but I feel like i connected to her. I sent her a PM just thanking her for being so kind and loving to someone she doesn't even know. I told her that I hoped if i do find my 1st Mom, that she was as warm and welcoming as her, Ravensong.

Well she responded... she was as kind in her response as she was on the forums. She ended the message with "I hope you reunite soon with your natural mother...and I hope she's as wonderful as you are!"

Every time I read it i cry!!! I don't even know how to respond to that! I've never had anyone even understand a tiny piece of the adoption triad and to have someone say something like that to me... well its just ... AMAZING!!

A letter to RavenSong:

Words can not express how your support has made me feel.
It makes to me to search harder, learn more, and expect the best even if it isn't so.
The short sweet message i received from you gives me hope,
that there will be a reunion in my future
I can not wait for the day that I can share my reunion story with you
I feel like I'm stumbling over my words as if i'm writing my 1st mom a letter.
I want to say the right things and have everything to be perfect
but from seeing just a tiny piece of what a wonderful woman and mother that you are
i hope that you will see that this is a letter coming from love and thanks.

Thank you RavenSong. For everything.

"My Adoption Story" Part 1...

Guilt: awareness of wrongdoing: an awareness of having done wrong or committed a crime, accompanied by feelings of shame and regret


Logically speaking, I understand the “definition” of the term. Then why do I feel guilty. I have no reason what so ever to feel “guilty”. I have committed no crime, none at all. But in throwing most of my energy into my search, I feel guilty.

My mother knows that I look. But I don’t think she knows how it’s affecting me emotional and how I have viewed myself most of my life because I was adopted.

My mom is a wonderful caring woman, who could not have children. She had no control over that. None at all, in fact between 6 lost pregnancies and stillborns I feel like I was that final missing puzzle piece. She wanted to desperately to be a mother; she nearly died in the process.

Later, came the idea of adoption, they were approved, now a child. My mom said at that point in her life (she was 38) any child, of any age, would have been her final piece.

As it happens I was chosen…there was no matching, “no waiting”. She saw a Catholic Charities commercial In Virginia, remember how they used to show the kids they had in foster care waiting for placement..? Well, I was one of those babies.

She called my dad, and they talked she called Catholic Charities, and they came to see me. Funny thing about me, as an infant I didn’t take so well to most adults. My foster parents were left handed. So when everyone held me, I guess it didn’t feel right. Well, my parents came to see me, my mother says when she saw me, and she knew immediately that I was supposed to be her child. =)

Now her being right handed, she picked me up, and I screamed! So my dad gave it a try, he was left handed, I guess I felt comfortable with him; he likes to say I chose them. I was nearly 3 months at the time I got to go home with them. Just in time to be home for my 1st Christmas.

I have the most beautiful card from my 1st mom (you will learn I hate adoption terminology). I cry when I think about it and I cry when I read it every time! She wishes me a Merry Christmas, and tells me that she loves me, I wish I had her hand writing, she calls me Baby Rachel, and even though it’s no longer my name, I connect with it only then. Maybe one day when I find her, since I have so many different nick names that can be “our” special thing.

Okay I’m drifting back to “my life story thus far”

I’ve always know I was adopted so there is no dramatic “when I found out story” and I guess I can’t stay that looking at my parents that I looked different, they are a biracial couple and I myself are biracial, my dads mother Grandma Deloris, she was mixed to so everyone said I looked like her. Lol!

Me being adopted is what I felt made me special! I was different and I loved it. As a kid that seemed to be what defined me. My mom would even make comments, "you know I bet you're just like your birth mother" refering to the fact that i'm kind of ADHA about finishing things! lol

You see I grew up being able to ask questions, and my mom would always answer them to the best of her ability.

When it came time to go over genetic traits in the 7th grade is when the questions really started. I remember the teacher saying, "For your assignment, I want you to go home and look at the physical traits that you have inheirted from your parents," that was the very 1st time I ever left like my "adoptee" status was holding me back....

I know this post is long and I'm sorry I will end here and post the rest of MY story at another time. Thank you for reading.