Always RIGHT THERE!

So, when I thought I could have a nice "adoption free" week, Oprah reveals that she has an adopted half sister! Wow, and here I thought I could take a "time out".

I wanted to leave adoption out of my life for this week because I have a lot of thinking to do within the next couple of weeks and a lot of research about Catholic Charities.

I haven't really reflected on why I want to find my 1st family, only because to me that's a loaded question. It's hard to explain "why". If I break it down to my best off the cuff response to that it would be, why not?

After all the person I'm looking for did carry me for 9 months and as a mother myself, I coulodn't imagine not being with my children. It's almost like adoptive parents, they get the referral call, and approved and even before that child is home, and even before they see the picture, they're in love.

Also, when it really comes down to it I guess I have a selfish reason too. I want to know if I look anything like anyone. My children are my only blood relatives that I know and they look nothing like me. A lot of people think they look like me until they see their dads and then they realize, wait no they don't. Damien is a mini more olive version of his dad, and Natalie favors her father and his mother.

When I see families in the store, or at a park and there is a crystal clear visual resemblence, I secertly long for that. My best friend's family is one of those families that I'm jealous of, She looks just like her mother, there is no doubt when you see them standing together, and her son, well he's like her little clone in boy form.

I also want to finally put my questions to rest,

• Does she think of me on important days during the year?(ex. Mother's Day, My birthday.) Because I think of her and hope that those days aren't difficult for her.
• Does she wonder if she has grand children?
• Do I have siblings?( I grew up an only child)
• If so, do they know about me?
• Also, do I have nieces or nephews of my very own?
• Did she ever look for me?

Selfish questions in my mind and maybe they aren't

Next phase, preparing myself for the worst

What if she has a new life and a new family that don't know I exsist?

Can I handle rejection from the one person I long to know?

Adoption Free Weekend! Or so I thought....

So Saturday was wonderful! Damien's birthday was perfect lots of friends, lots of family, lots of love! I wish I would have gotten a picture of him when he's biggest birthday surprise walked thru the door. His Uncle Moose! I had to get his attention and say "Damien, look who's here!" I peeked his head around the corner "MOOSE!!!" Ran and jumped into his arms! He loves his God Father so much! His girl friend Patricia was there too, She signed the card Uncle and Auntie Moose, OMG I died when I read that! How sweet! She became a part of our family quick! We love her so much and I can't wait until they finally set the wedding date! Although I'm not sure how Damien will feel about his girl friend marrying someone else >.<

Then we attened Damien's cousin's party. We'll call her Cat. Cat turned 9, I can't believe how big she has gotten! She's making so many strides with her austim. As I'm sitting and hanging out with Damien's dad and step mom someone mentions that Damien's grandmother is NOT the bio child of the Great Grandmother, she was adopted by her step mother! Now, being that Damien's father and I were together for 7 years and I still keep in touch with his mother it was a major shock! I guess step parent adoption isn't seen like a closed adoption, even though she doesn't know who her mother is...

It's funny to think that adoption is a major factor in my life. I try to not deal with adoption talk and there is was in mid convo! lol!

A Change of Heart?

Being on the adoption forums has taught me more then I could have ever imagined about reunion.

And over the years I have searched for my 1st mother with a burning passion and desire to know my natural mother. Last night hit me hard, but not in the sense that you would think. Just stay with me it will all make sense in just a minute.

Last night, Chris and I were watching one of our favorite shows, The Ghost Whisperer, and it was the episode where a 17 year old boy finds out that he was adopted and tragically dies while arguing with his adoptive mother about finding his birth mother. In the middle of the show Chris looks at me and says "I'm giving you the money to find your birth mother."

Now the old me would have jumped up and down or maybe just cried tears of joy, but the more educated me, well, she sat there and stared at her husband, and thought of more practical things to do with $500. My poor husband, Chris just looked at me "Aren't you happy? You have to find her, you've always wanted to find her."

It was so hard to explain to him that I've learned that reunion isn't as simple as finding each other, it's about building a lasting relationship, it's about ups and downs, and emotional draining if things don't go well in Reunion Land.

I've stopped letting my search dictate how my emotions are for the day. I've stopped letting it consume me. I'm a wife and a mother of 2 kids under 6, I don't have time to dwell on the "what ifs" anymore. I also have to think about whether right now is a good time to possible interrupt my children's lives and my husbands, and my parents lives because it's not just about me if a reunion happens. Am I ready to rock the boat?

In the back of my mind I also know that I am the Queen of Avoidance. I am afraid of change and I allow myself to get comfortable. I really need to reflect on this one. It's so funny to think had someone told me when I was 18 that they would give me the money to find her I would have jumped without hesitation, and here I am at 24, being cautious.

I may call the agency today and have them pull my file for me, I do not want to spend $500 for the request to search and permission to search paperwork if she's made sure I can't find her. I know she last updated her file 19 years ago. Maybe they'll just tell me if her full name and birthdate are in the file. With knowing that information, I'll know what direction I have options for. But this is going to need a lot of thought and a lot of prayer. Wish me luck.

Hot Button Toptic Series: Religion and Adoption

** Remember these posts are not intended to offend

 but if they do there is a red X in the top right corner **

Alright, maybe it's just me that is annoyed by this or maybe it really is annoying but certain aspects with religion and adoption get under my skin

I was reading a blog today about a family that "felt compelled" or "called" by God to adopt.

Now, do you see my problem with that? For all I know they wanted more children and can't have any more bio kids, or they've always wanted to adopt but now is the right time for them, but that is not what is stated in their blog.

They later go on to say something along the lines that there are 147 million orphans in the world because 147 million Christians haven't stepped up to God's calling. Wow! Really? I'm sorry, but last time I checked with my Christian friends adopting a child because its "God's Will" wasn't anywhere on their list.

Could you imagine being that child growing up in a household where you're being told that you were "rescued" and that your parents felt "called upon" by a higher power to adopt you from another country and bring you to America? Ugh! I know this isn't the only family that feels this way because I've read it before. But I believe it bothered me more with this family because they're talking about orphans, but then they begin talking about e moms in a country full of poverty.

I've had a ton of friends felt compelled or "called on" to do God's will, but that was them going to these poverty striken countries and helping provide, not try to adopt a newborn to "rescue them from their home country" 

I don't know but now I've annoyed myself... I get too passionate about this stuff, the curse of being an adult adoptee I guess.

Bit Off More Than I Can Chew

So this past week has been a strain!

Wednesday I came into work and had a tickle in my throat so I thought I was catching a lovely cold.

Little did I know it was the 1st signs of strep! Which was aweful since Damien turned 5 on Friday and we had his party scheduled for Saturday

Friday night I had to call all of the guests and inform them that we had to reschedule Damien's birthday party to this week. I felt terrible but I had yet to get on antibiotics and didn't want to have people in the house while running a 102 fever.

So Monday rolls around and this CRAZY idea pops into my head,

I want to rearrange my house.

We've been using the large addition as our room and the space is great but it's been empty space and the playroom is in the back of the house in between the children's room which is the original Master bedroom.

So I decided it was time for a change, Monday I boxed up and removed all of the toys and put them in the make shift man cave (work in progress) all before Chris got home. He had no clue about my plan, but being the wonderful husband he is, he just deals with my spur of the moment ideas.

Last night the furniture got moved in the new master bedroom, I really would have loved to paint first but we're having a 5 year old's birthday party this Saturday so we didn't have time.

Now I'm hunting down a second book shelf for the new playroom which has yet to get put together because it turned into a pile of junk. That's what happens when you let your husband move furniture without supervision, Chris just dumped everything onto the floor so he could get the furniture out of the room.

I wish I would have taken before and after pictures but I will defiantly take pictures of the "finished" product

I loathe the house we are renting but I figured if i create spaces that I love that I can tolerate it for the next year or so.(although I don't know what I'm going to do with the TERRIBLE wood paneling)

Things to Come:

•  Paint and decorate the new master bedroom
• Make the playroom super awesome!
• Paint and reorganize the main bathroom possibly get more grown up accessories (the fishy bathroom was cute, for 2 years, now its getting old)
• Paint over the HOT PINK shelf in the dining area
• Get a dining table that can fit 6 when needed
• Find a way to bring light into the gloomy living room
• Paint and redecorate Damien's room
• Paint and redecorate Natalie's room (which is a challenge because the carpet is green and brown, apparently it used to be a jungle room *gag*)
• Give Chris an awesome man cave (on a budget lol)

Wish me luck! I'll make sure to post as things start getting under way







Families are changing....Or are they?

This morning I of course was listening to my all time favorite morning show and they were discussing Elton John and husband David Furish's adoption through surrogacy. I believe Wendy or Jen made a comment about how its amazing how families are changing. Which honestly, kind of annoyed me. Yes, the means of becoming a family has been changing and an ever growing and learning process for many, but families have not.

Now if she was speaking in the scense that this is a same-sex parented family, sorry folks but that's not new either. I grew up with a friend that had two moms. I also lived in the same neighborhood as a male couple who were raising their nephew , I loved them, Daryl and Maurice! They had the best yard in the entire subdivision, lavender casscading around the frount door , jasmine on the side by the drive; look at me losing myself lol! But my point is that families aren't changing much at all.

There is no "Model Family" like when you move into a new upcoming neighborhood; model home.

A true family is one built on the foundation of love.

They have their ups and downs; failures and wins but it will always rest back on their foundation.

Congratulations!

I just have to say a HUGE congrats to one of my favorite bloggers Lisa and Family; From Room by Room for the Home Coming of their newest addition!

I always love hearing about a child coming home to their Forever Family.

Its one of those things that makes all of the terrible things in adoption;

be it greif anger or sorrow; just float away!

I can't wait to see how Delany is enjoying her new family!

Home Going

In my previous post I briefly mentioned losing my Uncle during the holidays, Dec. 22 to be exact. This being my dad's side of the family, I knew not to except a somber funeral rather a celebration of my Uncle's life. But what I experienced was something almost out of body and it really got me thinking.

For those that know me IRL, I'm not a "religious" person, but more spiritual. I'm not so keen on organized religion and I don't feel that I need to attend church to "prove" my relationship with God. So, let's just say I was dreading the church service that proceeded his burial. I have to admit that I was pleasantly surprised and thoroughly enjoyed the service. I can happily say that my Auntie was in the front row, not mourning, but celebrating. Her husband was no longer suffering and battling the cancer that took over his body. He was at peace, he went home.

The pastor said something that really got me thinking. He told us a story about how his father told him before his 18th birthday, "You can't stay, you can go to college, but you can't stay here, you can get a job and move out, but you can't stay here, you can go into the military, but you can't stay." the point he was making, is that we all won't stay, at some time in our life it will be our time to go. You can have all of the riches in the world, but you can't stay with them. There is another place that we must move onto.

With my own personal beliefs, I don't know what the next step is, but I do know that no one will live forever. In my heart I want to believe that there is a better place for us beyond this world, that we may shed our tents (bodies) and move on to our houses (our place with the lord).

So far... 2011 is rocking my socks!

I don't know how your holidays went but mine were swell!

We celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve with my bestie and her son! Then we went to my parents house. Christmas morning we slept in (thanks kids!) Opened gifts with my Mother-in-law and headed to my brother-in-laws house. Spent time there and went to my father-in-laws house lol! Yes we were VERY busy.

But it wasn't the gifts, but just the joy on every ones faces over that weekend that I loved. I enjoyed spending time with the people I love the most. Chris and I had a couple of quiet moments that made me feel like I was in a romantic comedy! Even with no one around I kind of felt a little embarrassed and overwhelmed, but mostly full of love!

Going into 2011 was a little somber because I lost one of my uncles to cancer. He had a long battle with 2 remissions, but the cancer sadly won the war.

There was something magical that happened at this funeral but thats for a different post.

After a long day with the family I needed to kick into 2011 with a BANG! I won tickets to a local club off the radio! I ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING! So the Hubby and I put on our finest and out we went! and BOY were we bored! So we left the club and went to his best friends house were we goofed off until 2 am!

Best moment this weekend;

After a long day of cleaning house, we had dinner at the table, the TV was off and Chris played the Cd's with the wedding reception music on it, we all sat at the table enjoying each others company. After dinner Chris washed the dishes Damien and I cleared the table and Natalie just danced in the living room :) After we got Miss Priss off to bed Damien painted his new piggy bank! He was so proud! I wish he would let me display it in the living room! off to bed he goes after painting his master piece and as I went into the living room to straighten up Chris walks up to me and we just slowed danced right there.  I felt like I was on a cloud!


How is 2011 feeling different for you so far?