So, after writing and reading, and re-reading my letter, the crazy "what if's" pop into my head...
And athough these what if's are adoption related, everyone can relate to the "what if's" at some point in everyones life I believe these start to haunt us, and its how we handle them, that really makes a difference.
What is she's deceased?
What if she's not ready for contact?
What if she doesn't want contact at all, ever?
What if she's married to my 1st father?
What if she's married to a man that is not supportive of a reunion?
What if I have siblings? What if they don't know about me?
What if they know about me but are not supportive of a reunion?
What if they get jealous?
What if I get jealous?
What if we do have a terrible reunion?
What if we have a great reunion to start, my kids get involved, and then contact stops?
you can see how they're mostly negative....
But then I have to remind myself that there are also some positive "what if's" that I still need to think about, process, and find a way to "prepare" myself for.
What if she is ready for contact?
What if I have siblings that know about me, and want a relationship?
What if I find my 1st dad in the process of all of this?
Blah!! I have a lot to think about, I have to respect all sides of this. I have my Mother's support, so I know that I am in no way hurting her in my search, which was honestly my biggest fear, had I not had her blessing, I don't know if I would have restarted this process.
I have to respect my 1st mom, and her new family, because from what we know, she got married. So, there is a possibility, that I have siblings, and that they may not know about me, she could have kept that all within herself.
Honestly, I hope for her sake she didn't keep that secret, it just seems like something that is too painful to hide.