A Very Merry Unbirthday

With my birthday coming up on Thursday I've been in my head a lot, and adoption seems to be everywhere. Yesterday they were showing the most memorable moments of True Life on MTV, and one was of a 1^st mother relinquishing her child in the hospital room. There were no words, but the pain on her face, the grief of her clutching the chair you could tell that the only thing that could mend her heart was her child. At that moment I think of my own 1^st mom, and broke down on the couch next to Chris.

I’m not sure where this is coming from since I’ve had plenty of birthdays and I was excited about finally going out and celebrating 25 with friends and family, but now I just want to stay home and grieve for my 1^st mother. Since plans are already set in stone for this weekend I have decided with sound advice from another adoptee, that Thursday, will be the day I honor her. I will write her a letter and put it away for safe keeping until I can give it to her myself. I will light an extra candle and say a prayer for her, because Thursday she may be hurting.

The List of Doom

Okay, so there’s this list of questions, that I have to deal with every now and again, and sometimes it is just asked orally and other times its written, but it’s a list that will not for a second let me forget about my adoptee status. If you’re an adoptive parent, or an adoptee, you probably know this list, and it probably erks you too. Here’s a sample of said list.

Please check all that apply

FAMILY HISTORY

Has any blood relative had any of the following?

Scarlet Fever	YES	NO
Meningitis	YES	NO
Infectious Mononucleosis	YES	NO
Tuberculosis	YES	NO
Exposure to TB	YES	NO
Malaria	YES	NO
Bronchitis	YES	NO
Pneumonia	YES	NO
Pleurisy	YES	NO
Hepatitis (yellow jaundice)	YES	NO
Bladder infections	YES	NO
Rheumatic fever	YES	NO

Yes, that list, the list that can’t be answered, if you’re in a closed adoption like me. I kind of wish there was another box that says ‘Unknown’ but then again you still have to explain why. 

I love my current Doctor. Dr. Felix is great, he knows my background so he knows that sometimes we have to dig deeper, or run a few more tests, just because my family medical history is unknown. The only problem is that sometimes Dr. Felix isn’t available and being that it’s a large family practice there are about 10 other doctors I have a chance of seeing, all of which look at me kind of sideways when I tell them the only medical information I have is a family allergy to milk and aspirin.

Then the words that have never made me feel ashamed except for when I’m at the doctor’s office “I was adopted”. And after that sentence comes out of my mouth, they almost look sorry for me. Yeah, you know what, I’m sorry too, because it’s inconvenient and down right terrifying to not know what could be in store for not only me, but my two children. That’s what scares me the most. What could my genes have passed to my kids?

True Colors

I've been listening to this song on repeat most of the day.

Something about the song makes me think about my adoption.

This song can really be looked at in a couple of different ways

In my heart of hearts I can look at it like this....



"You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow "

What is His plan for me?

Questioning my Faith

I can pretty much say that from a very young age that I’ve always questioned my faith. In Sunday school they would tell us the stories from the Bible, for example, Adam and Eve. As a child to me this seemed like an unlikely story, a talking snake, really? But because it was the beliefs that my family wanted to instill in me, I listened, and tried very hard to understand and be the stand up Christian child I was being raised to be.

When I was in the 4^th grade my father’s step mother passed away, Grandma Helen. She was a surely woman, but I loved her because she was my grandma. This death was the 1^st of many that truly made me ask “Why?” and denounce my faith. Most children and even adults have their own vision of death. I imagined my grandmother would just look peaceful and at rest since her soul was no longer with us and was with God. I thought her body would look as she left it. Then again, I did not want to approach her casket because I was at peace with the vision I had created in my mind. One of my Aunties had a different plan in mind, as I was to pay my respects. The woman lying in front of me was not the Grandmother I had seen 2 weeks ago, but a grey shell that once was my grandma. I cried traumatized by the sight and ran out of the church.

5^th grade, I remember it like it was yesterday, this was the death that built the rage that I still to this day fight with. It was the phone call that changed many people’s lives forever. It was the phone call that sealed the fate of my faith. My mother’s best friend had taken her own life. This was the woman who would take me to church every Sunday, gave the coat off of her back to the homeless, brought them into her home so they could shower and have a warm meal, found them shelter and gave them a chance when others wouldn’t. She would visit the monastery once a month. Visit the retirement homes and read to those whose family had left them with no intent to return. She was the pillar of strength, and she was stead fast in her faith. In all the teachings that I knew for one to take their own life meant damnation. And at that tender age, I could not accept that the woman I looked up to, the woman who taught me how to be a strong Christian, how to live a life that would be smiled upon by our God, would take her own life. I blamed Him, I questioned Him, and I begged and pleaded for understand, I wanted to know why he would turn his back on one of his devout children in a time that she needed him most, and still to this day, her death, has haunted me, and my questions still remain unanswered.

The next was my Grandma Deloris, she suffered with cancer like my Grandma Helen did for years, she beat it once, and we were all happy and we rejoiced, and I obeyed her by going to church even with the anger from Dagmar’s death a year earlier. The cancer returned, and her body was still too weak, the chemo took her life and I once again asked why He would allow her to suffer through this twice. She was the star of her congregation. Former Opera singer felt her call to her church, the lead of the choir, the lollipop lady, as all of the children knew her was made to suffer.

Her husband, Grandpa Johnnie died nearly 2 years after; we all say it was of a broken heart, even though we know it was an aneurism. He could no longer live without the love of his life.

Having to deal with so much death in such a short time really hit me hard as a child, from the age of 10 to 16, 6 people that were dear to my heart passed away, I became more lost and more angry with every death. I was always told we are never given more then we can handle and at that point my cup was over filled by more then half.

And during such a vulnerable state, I found the crowd that every parent fears their child will join.

Only since I met my husband have I once again, tried to return to my faith, the death of my uncle earlier this year was not mourned but his life and Home Going was celebrated. It was the 1^st time in 14 years I was encouraged to remember the good in ones death, but it still brought up those old feelings, and questions that have never and probably never will be answered. I have prayed to have this anger lifted from me to allow me to clearly see His plan, but I guess now as an adult I see it is my job to work through this anger alone, yet I feel like I should at least feel Him as a guide, and I don’t. Most days when I think about it I feel like one of the Forgotten. I pray to feel Him, I try to be stead fast in my faith, yet I do not feel it. Maybe some people were truly not meant to be given a plan, maybe I am not one of those he sees or hears. In the end I won’t really find out until the moment I pass, that will be the time I truly find out if there is really a Heaven, a Hell, or nothing at all.

-N

Adoption and Breast Feeding

Adoption and Breast Feeding

As I’ve noticed, it’s a touchy topic, but for some reason it was on my mind as I went to bed last night.

I was reading The Other Boleyn Girl, and something about a wet nurse came up, which made me think about some of the A moms who have chosen to breast feed their adopted child.

Just so you know where I stand, I just don’t get it, but that’s because breast feeding for me was a nightmare! I understand the benefits of breast milk, and with Damien (my 1^st child) I never had that natural urge to breast feed. Actually the thought of it was appalling. With Natalie, since her father, uncle, and ALL cousins were breast fed, I kind of got pressured into doing so, even though I really did NOT want to. Needless to say, even with help from the lactation specialist, we still could not get Natalie to latch on properly, which caused soreness, bleeding, Natalie losing weight, having to supplement with formula, pumping, and breast feeding, resulting in me having a psychological issue with my breast being touched, in short; I NEVER want to deal with breast feeding again. So for those of you who want to breast feed and enjoy doing so, MORE POWER TO YOU!!

Back to the topic at hand, Adoption and breast feeding. Since I correlate breast feeding with my terrible experience, it is very hard for me to put my personal opinion aside, but when you only look at the benefits of breast feeding, it is a truly wonderful experience (so I’ve heard) for the child and mother to bond. So in trying to think about the side of an adoptive mother, who may or may not have had biological children, if she has bio children and breast fed those children, why would she not also want to share that time of bonding with her adopted child and raise them no different then the children she has given birth to? Or for the mother who has always said when she has children she will breast feed, just because she was biologically unable to have children, does that also take away her right to breast feed?

Just food for thought I guess, enough talk about breast feeding my boobs can’t take it any more!! Hahaha!

I wish I wasn't adopted

This week has been hard.

This week I wish I was never adopted. Why would i say such a thing you ask? Because its hard NOT knowing where you come from...

... to have never once in 24 years to see the people responsible for giving you life
...to wonder if they think about you on your birthday
.... to not know what  medical issues to look out for
...to be afraid that you passed something to your children that may affect them in later years...

and then to see people who's 1st parents have searched for them and found them and don't want contact AT ALL.... makes me jealous, makes me want to trade places....

I wish my mother was my 1st mother this week

Losing Fatih...

.... yup, ask and ye shall receive... nothing...

Under Rug Swept.

Every person has that issue that turns into the lump under the rug. They don't talk about it in front of others, almost like a family secret, or the family drunk, they think he should quit drinking but they won't dare talk about the situation outside of family.

Funny enough, my family doesn't have those issues, only because my mom and I talk about EVERYTHING! I'll talk to anyone about anything. Personal things stay personal with close friends and family but I talk a lot and have learned to apply a mouth filter during certain moments. I'm telling you my mouth has a mind of its own!

But my DH's family on the other hand... WOW!!! Do these people suppress a lot! Affairs, brothers stealing each others wives, alcoholism, racists, you name it, I think it's in the family. And I think each person in that family is suffering, because they don't talk about it. It's all under rug swept. Yes you can heal yourself through prayer, but having been to therapy, I know there's nothing more cleansing, then talking about it. Letting it go. Processing your feelings out loud, to someone who is not there to judge but to listen.

My DH seems to get annoyed sometimes when I'm just talking things out to him. And I think its just because nothing was ever resolved with anything. If his mother was upset, she'd get in the car and drive around being pissed off at everything and everyone. She would later come home and write an angry note and stick it on the fridge. Later, everything would be fine. But nothing was resolved.

Could you imagine holding all of that resentment in?! I would explode!

But that long story is just to give you insight into what I'm dealing with right now, this week, this family.

My DH has the alcoholic Great Uncle, who lives about a half mile from us. Said Uncle always takes a family member with him on vacation every year to Myrtle Beach. This year was DH and my turn. So we planned to go on June 3. I put in vacation time at work and let DH handle the rest. So Uncle, we'll call him Harold*, keeps calling me over the weekend and I was too busy to return his calls. I call him Monday apologizing for not getting around to calling him sooner, but working 6 days a week, having a sick child, and participating in the Walk for Autism took up my weekend. He then begins to curse me out. I take it with a grain of salt since I know he's been drinking since 7 am.

Jump to Tuesday, he calls me while I am on my way to work and asks me to call him when I go to lunch. 11 am rolls around and he has called me 5 times in 3 minutes. I go to lunch, and cal him after I've finished up my lunch and he starts asking personal questions about my and DH intimate life, which then takes a nose dive into him propositioning me, and when I respond NO he asks if money will change my mind.

Uncle Harold* once again, lives only a half mile from my house, my DH is in Indiana, and I'm freaking out, because Uncle Harold has once again started blowing up my phone. He has called me 3 times since  7 am. Telling me he's sorry, wanting to talk about me cancelling the vacation, he knows I'm pissed, blah blah blah!!

All the while, the rest of the family were mad for less then a day, and then responded with "Well, at least it will be something to laugh about in the future!"  Um, no!! Not funny! I want to move, any of you readers live in an area with great schools and the cost of living isn't too high?! No state is out of the question at this point....

Judgment day......

I hate being judged by people on such an unhealthy level that I won't even sing in front of my husband. I mean, I'll sing in the car, but that's me goofing off and NEVER hitting the proper notes and as for my pitch well, the neighborhood animals don't seem to like it much.


Now I will not say that I can't sing, because I know that I can, and that I'm good, but I will not sing in fear of someone judging me. I get embarrassed by positive feedback and I burst in to tears don't take negative critics well.

But what do you do, when someone tells a family member personal information about you, that causes a backlash with your in-laws. Lets use sexual preference or religion as examples because those seem to be the major things that most people in the world judge.


For example, someone who is gay may be open to their closest friends and maybe a few family members, but what if they have parents who are not fond a gays, they most likely wouldn't be open correct? So then would it be someone Else's right to tell their family "oh well so and so is gay"? no, that is their personal business to discuss.

and lets talk about religion, I'll talk personally about my experiences with this. I identify as Agnostic, only because I have had many moments in my life where I have questioned my faith. So I believe there could be a higher power, I do not feel that I have the right to give it a name, but I can also identify with different aspects of different religions. This by NO MEANS, means that I worship the devil.  But when you live in the bible belt, some people just assume you do if you don't out right answer yes i'm a christian. So, my in-laws life to whisper and it makes me crazy! I love them, but my relationship with God is my business. My children pray before dinner, and they say their prayers before bed, but I still have questions about my own faith that only I can work through.

so why do people feel the need to judge all the time? I'm honestly wanting to pack up and move away and never look back

Cha Cha Cha Changes....

So,

yeah I'm still alive... life took a hold of me and I became a bad bad blogger... I NEED to blog I've noticed because without it, I tend to hold things in and become angsty. Yes, I said it. Darn high school emo kid days ;?

Anyway,

I love my blog title, but I feel like it says "This is an adoption blog so you will only read adoption stuff"

But then again I thought about "Secret Life of an American Adoptee" Its about my life, what's going on in MY life, so that's what this blog will now become. Because honestly, if I only had to write about adoption related things, this blog would hang in limbo. So there you have it, if I start posting other stuff and all you want is an adoption blog, I can't help ya, this is my life and I want to share it with you...

Adoption Free Weekend!

Woot Woot! I managed to have an adoption free weekend...

Went to work at my moms shop on Saturday and let me tell you prom season is in full force. My arms were begging for rest by 5:00! Went to a birthday celebration, Miss Natalie decided that she was allergic to something she ate and broke out into hives!!



Today was amazing. Lately Damien's Aunt and I have decided that just because his father and I are no longer together doesn't mean that we aren't still family.. and Damien's dad although financially hasn't stepped up yet, he has been there for him more.

So Sundays are "Daddy Days" We all get together and just hang let the kids play and Damien spend time with that side of his family.
So we went to see Rango! Sweet movie, and although its rated PG, I think they reached the max amounts for "damns and hells" that PG can allow...just warning to all those parents who haven't taken their kids yet... screen it 1st and see if you're comfortable with that amount of swearing... Now that my babies are all washed up and about to hit the sack, I'm going to work on some stuff for work...

BTW... I have a special project that I've been working on... It may or may not happen... but if it does... you'll find out...

Thoughts

(x-posted from the a.com forums)

i've read articles, I've watched shows about how powerful ones thoughts can be.

and before sending off my paperwork, I was going through the "what if" stage

the past couple of weeks i've been filled with anxiety
then to stress
and today its been a mix of everything
I will suddenly get this overwhelming sense of calm and peace, because other then checking up with the agency and keeping on top of them, there isn't much I can do.

And then the moment I think about that... I realize that this is one situation that I can not control... and i panic. But its that quiet lump in your throat, shifty eyes paranoid keep to yourself panic.

I feel like I'm in a dream, it starts off seemingly normal but then being chased by something you can't see or hear, all you know is that you need to keep going. Because if you don't, something may happen.... the unknown will happen..

... my sleep aids haven't been working, my mood stabilzers, not working and thats mostly my fault because I've been so scatter brained that i forget to take them..
I'm letting this wait destroy me and i've had enough of it.
I just want to get on with my life!
Do i regret sending off my paperwork? Yes and No
No, because I feel like its mine and my childrens right to know where we came from and yes because I feel like I'm letting it control my life...

thanks for dealing with my vent...

Bad Blogger! Bad bad blogger!

So, with my lack of blogging you probably assumed that I had given up... no I'm still here! I've been pretty absent on my forums too... ugh... I've been a teeny bit stressed out.

What have I been up to? THIS why? beause its mindless... and knowing that Catholic Charities got my paperwork to search for my 1st mother is making me CRAZY!

I sent all my paperwork thru fed ex... so I could obsessivly check the tracking... so that I could make sure it was received.

I sent it on Valentine's Day.... and well, that was almost a month ago... it was received on the 17th... and I haven't received any word since. I have that feeling of empending doom, that my 1st mother may call me out of the blue one day, or that they found her and she's not interested... or maybe she's writing me a letter and just cant seem to get the words right. I'm not sure but I do know I'm cracking under pressure. So I'm back. And I'm sorry if I start venting, but I need to get all of this out, because its affecting my life, I'm unfocused snippy and a bit explosive... I need to seek counsil.

Older Adoptive Parents

Ever since my Uncle's funeral, I've been keeping this deep in the back of my mind. My parents were both 38 when I came home, not a big deal right? Women have children at that age and sometimes older... But do they ever think how their children will feel when they hit their 20s?

Here's my logic, may not make sense because I'm trying not to get emotional about it.

My best friend is 28, her mother is 50
My husband is 25 is parents are 50-51... his grandparents are 65-69
My cousin Marcus 32, My Uncle Al was in his early to mid 50s
I'm 24 and my parents are 62..

My parents are the same age as my husbands grandparents... and yes his Granny had his dad when she was 15 but do you see the gap that concerns me?

Chris's GiGi, Paw Paw and Granny are in their 60s with great grand children, they get to enjoy them for maybe another 20 years! And possibly even live to see Great-Great grands....

Will my parents be around in another 20 years? They both HATE doctors, so I'm always worried, will I have to bury my parents in my 40s? Will i have to bury them SOONER?

My dad's father... my grandfather developed dementia in his early to mid 70s... his about 84 now about 2 years ago he had no clue who I was... will my dad have the same fate?
His step mother passed away in her 50s from breast cancer...
My dad's bio Mom, passed in her 50s to 60s from breast cancer and her husband 2 years later from a brain aneurysm

My maternal grandmother was 79... how much longer do I have with my parents?

I shouldn't have to worry about this at 24!!!

Le Chateau des Fleurs

Ok this is definatly a shout out post! I have a new follower who I admire greatly! Frenchy from Le Chateau des Fleurs! Never in a million year did I think I would have a follower that has over 2,000 people read her blog on a daily basis! The way she has parties with her children remind me of when I was little and my mom and I would get out my tiny china set and have tea and pastries just because we could!

Frenchy reminds me why I miss being a stay at home mom!

Here are a couple of my favorite posts/parties!

Are you as obsessed with Pirates as I am? Then you'll love Frenchy's pirate parties!



Le Chateau des Fleurs

Doesn't that cake not only look yummy, but totally awesome!?

What about her son's 7th birthday cake....

And with Valentine's Day coming up, why not look at her 14 Days Of Valentines



I love you, in French



Simple and Sweet



I hope you enjoyed her blog as much as I do! I could go on for days about her, but then I think my few readers may run away! lol

Drama-Rama

So, I'm planning on having to hear about people bitching about this post but you know what I'm done! I don't care it's my blog, if you don't want to read it there's a little red "X" in the top right corner... Sorry but I'm pissed!

There is one place I go for support, and to support others in the adoption triad... but lately it's just turned into a bitch feast!  Remember the scene in Mean Girls in the cafeteria? Where everyone is fighting like animals? Now think of that but with people of the triad! (some)Aparents seem to love to attack Bparents AND adoptees because we have a different opinion always putting words into our mouths "Because you feel this way you are saying we're less than parents" ugh! No! No one AT ALL is saying you're a terrible parent.. and if someone were to do so we'd probably all jump down their throats! It's getting to the point where I don't want to comment on a topic that I'd like to weigh in on out of fear of being slammed for my opinion... Thanks for making me feel like a terrible person for not agreeing with you and wanting to make someone feel like they aren't alone...

 There are a select few Aparents that I get along with... they seem to be the "sane" ones... not the over zealous crazy ones...They respect the opinion of us adoptees, even if they disagree... these are the parents of children I see always knowing, accepting, and loving their "adoptee status"

Blah I don't know how to feel right now!

biracial hair ...by Zora Howard

I have bi-racial hair
Pantene Pro-V waves on the top
Easy to style, comb, rock-
Until-I encounter my naps,
I’m not talking about those-cute detangle with the spray naps.
I’m talking about those, slave naps, like,
No comb, brush, or man can handle the kind of naps I got- like,
No way you are touching my hair-naps like
Back 10 feet up, or we can dance naps
Those naps like-
DAMN!
I have bi-racial hair,
Those smooth and silk rafts hanging all through my mane,
Until you get to the back, and encounter the jungle, in which you can find Tarzan and Jane.
In the front you forget and relax in the pleasure,
Until you get to the back and remember pain
Baby hair slicked back with that good 4 dollar pomade,
That goes with roots and tangles,
Soaked with that same olive oil; mixed with that spaghetti sauce momade.
I have bi-racial hair,
Combs run freely through my fine breezy, just to the part, the most you can make,
Until it gets to the back and
Breaks.
I have bi-racial hair
Like-
The only thing my mother could put it in was 2 big braids,
And sometimes that was to much,
So she left half undone.
I was in the mirror, I was in the mirror,
Convincing my self I looked just like a dark-skinned Alicia Keys
I have bi-racial hair,
because I have bi-racial blood.
I’m not talking about that-cute they met then fell in love, blood
I’m talking about that- slaved raped six times by the master,
Birthing 6 mixed babies, later hung blood
I’m talking about that cross burning in the mud, blood
And you call me a mud blood,
Slit my rist,
my blood does not excrete in black and white.
I drean in verse and in red
Like what drained from Emmit Tills’ lips when he was killed for breaking down color lines
Bi-racial who surcomes to the abuse from her peers in her middle school,
Those whose who constantly called me an Oreo
Well she’s not white, its more like Reese’s cookie, mixed breed or a mullato
That’s what it is a reverse mulatto
I AM NOT A FUCKING COOKIE OR A BITCH!
My roots are deep too
my bi-racial roots are not blind
or more than cotton soft
cause my blood were in the sun, picking cotton too
a thousand times discrated for my race
a thousand time discrated from my history y'all never get
let textbooks be your truth
and sprinkle the ashes of your history into streams
i dream for a time and place where
maybe y'all all accept me
maybe we need to wake up again and remember a morning of you
like something new
baby I'll be green cause my people drove there
you people drove me there
with my tender heart
tender head
and my bi-racial hair

Always RIGHT THERE!

So, when I thought I could have a nice "adoption free" week, Oprah reveals that she has an adopted half sister! Wow, and here I thought I could take a "time out".

I wanted to leave adoption out of my life for this week because I have a lot of thinking to do within the next couple of weeks and a lot of research about Catholic Charities.

I haven't really reflected on why I want to find my 1st family, only because to me that's a loaded question. It's hard to explain "why". If I break it down to my best off the cuff response to that it would be, why not?

After all the person I'm looking for did carry me for 9 months and as a mother myself, I coulodn't imagine not being with my children. It's almost like adoptive parents, they get the referral call, and approved and even before that child is home, and even before they see the picture, they're in love.

Also, when it really comes down to it I guess I have a selfish reason too. I want to know if I look anything like anyone. My children are my only blood relatives that I know and they look nothing like me. A lot of people think they look like me until they see their dads and then they realize, wait no they don't. Damien is a mini more olive version of his dad, and Natalie favors her father and his mother.

When I see families in the store, or at a park and there is a crystal clear visual resemblence, I secertly long for that. My best friend's family is one of those families that I'm jealous of, She looks just like her mother, there is no doubt when you see them standing together, and her son, well he's like her little clone in boy form.

I also want to finally put my questions to rest,

• Does she think of me on important days during the year?(ex. Mother's Day, My birthday.) Because I think of her and hope that those days aren't difficult for her.
• Does she wonder if she has grand children?
• Do I have siblings?( I grew up an only child)
• If so, do they know about me?
• Also, do I have nieces or nephews of my very own?
• Did she ever look for me?

Selfish questions in my mind and maybe they aren't

Next phase, preparing myself for the worst

What if she has a new life and a new family that don't know I exsist?

Can I handle rejection from the one person I long to know?

Adoption Free Weekend! Or so I thought....

So Saturday was wonderful! Damien's birthday was perfect lots of friends, lots of family, lots of love! I wish I would have gotten a picture of him when he's biggest birthday surprise walked thru the door. His Uncle Moose! I had to get his attention and say "Damien, look who's here!" I peeked his head around the corner "MOOSE!!!" Ran and jumped into his arms! He loves his God Father so much! His girl friend Patricia was there too, She signed the card Uncle and Auntie Moose, OMG I died when I read that! How sweet! She became a part of our family quick! We love her so much and I can't wait until they finally set the wedding date! Although I'm not sure how Damien will feel about his girl friend marrying someone else >.<

Then we attened Damien's cousin's party. We'll call her Cat. Cat turned 9, I can't believe how big she has gotten! She's making so many strides with her austim. As I'm sitting and hanging out with Damien's dad and step mom someone mentions that Damien's grandmother is NOT the bio child of the Great Grandmother, she was adopted by her step mother! Now, being that Damien's father and I were together for 7 years and I still keep in touch with his mother it was a major shock! I guess step parent adoption isn't seen like a closed adoption, even though she doesn't know who her mother is...

It's funny to think that adoption is a major factor in my life. I try to not deal with adoption talk and there is was in mid convo! lol!

A Change of Heart?

Being on the adoption forums has taught me more then I could have ever imagined about reunion.

And over the years I have searched for my 1st mother with a burning passion and desire to know my natural mother. Last night hit me hard, but not in the sense that you would think. Just stay with me it will all make sense in just a minute.

Last night, Chris and I were watching one of our favorite shows, The Ghost Whisperer, and it was the episode where a 17 year old boy finds out that he was adopted and tragically dies while arguing with his adoptive mother about finding his birth mother. In the middle of the show Chris looks at me and says "I'm giving you the money to find your birth mother."

Now the old me would have jumped up and down or maybe just cried tears of joy, but the more educated me, well, she sat there and stared at her husband, and thought of more practical things to do with $500. My poor husband, Chris just looked at me "Aren't you happy? You have to find her, you've always wanted to find her."

It was so hard to explain to him that I've learned that reunion isn't as simple as finding each other, it's about building a lasting relationship, it's about ups and downs, and emotional draining if things don't go well in Reunion Land.

I've stopped letting my search dictate how my emotions are for the day. I've stopped letting it consume me. I'm a wife and a mother of 2 kids under 6, I don't have time to dwell on the "what ifs" anymore. I also have to think about whether right now is a good time to possible interrupt my children's lives and my husbands, and my parents lives because it's not just about me if a reunion happens. Am I ready to rock the boat?

In the back of my mind I also know that I am the Queen of Avoidance. I am afraid of change and I allow myself to get comfortable. I really need to reflect on this one. It's so funny to think had someone told me when I was 18 that they would give me the money to find her I would have jumped without hesitation, and here I am at 24, being cautious.

I may call the agency today and have them pull my file for me, I do not want to spend $500 for the request to search and permission to search paperwork if she's made sure I can't find her. I know she last updated her file 19 years ago. Maybe they'll just tell me if her full name and birthdate are in the file. With knowing that information, I'll know what direction I have options for. But this is going to need a lot of thought and a lot of prayer. Wish me luck.

Hot Button Toptic Series: Religion and Adoption

** Remember these posts are not intended to offend

 but if they do there is a red X in the top right corner **

Alright, maybe it's just me that is annoyed by this or maybe it really is annoying but certain aspects with religion and adoption get under my skin

I was reading a blog today about a family that "felt compelled" or "called" by God to adopt.

Now, do you see my problem with that? For all I know they wanted more children and can't have any more bio kids, or they've always wanted to adopt but now is the right time for them, but that is not what is stated in their blog.

They later go on to say something along the lines that there are 147 million orphans in the world because 147 million Christians haven't stepped up to God's calling. Wow! Really? I'm sorry, but last time I checked with my Christian friends adopting a child because its "God's Will" wasn't anywhere on their list.

Could you imagine being that child growing up in a household where you're being told that you were "rescued" and that your parents felt "called upon" by a higher power to adopt you from another country and bring you to America? Ugh! I know this isn't the only family that feels this way because I've read it before. But I believe it bothered me more with this family because they're talking about orphans, but then they begin talking about e moms in a country full of poverty.

I've had a ton of friends felt compelled or "called on" to do God's will, but that was them going to these poverty striken countries and helping provide, not try to adopt a newborn to "rescue them from their home country" 

I don't know but now I've annoyed myself... I get too passionate about this stuff, the curse of being an adult adoptee I guess.

Bit Off More Than I Can Chew

So this past week has been a strain!

Wednesday I came into work and had a tickle in my throat so I thought I was catching a lovely cold.

Little did I know it was the 1st signs of strep! Which was aweful since Damien turned 5 on Friday and we had his party scheduled for Saturday

Friday night I had to call all of the guests and inform them that we had to reschedule Damien's birthday party to this week. I felt terrible but I had yet to get on antibiotics and didn't want to have people in the house while running a 102 fever.

So Monday rolls around and this CRAZY idea pops into my head,

I want to rearrange my house.

We've been using the large addition as our room and the space is great but it's been empty space and the playroom is in the back of the house in between the children's room which is the original Master bedroom.

So I decided it was time for a change, Monday I boxed up and removed all of the toys and put them in the make shift man cave (work in progress) all before Chris got home. He had no clue about my plan, but being the wonderful husband he is, he just deals with my spur of the moment ideas.

Last night the furniture got moved in the new master bedroom, I really would have loved to paint first but we're having a 5 year old's birthday party this Saturday so we didn't have time.

Now I'm hunting down a second book shelf for the new playroom which has yet to get put together because it turned into a pile of junk. That's what happens when you let your husband move furniture without supervision, Chris just dumped everything onto the floor so he could get the furniture out of the room.

I wish I would have taken before and after pictures but I will defiantly take pictures of the "finished" product

I loathe the house we are renting but I figured if i create spaces that I love that I can tolerate it for the next year or so.(although I don't know what I'm going to do with the TERRIBLE wood paneling)

Things to Come:

•  Paint and decorate the new master bedroom
• Make the playroom super awesome!
• Paint and reorganize the main bathroom possibly get more grown up accessories (the fishy bathroom was cute, for 2 years, now its getting old)
• Paint over the HOT PINK shelf in the dining area
• Get a dining table that can fit 6 when needed
• Find a way to bring light into the gloomy living room
• Paint and redecorate Damien's room
• Paint and redecorate Natalie's room (which is a challenge because the carpet is green and brown, apparently it used to be a jungle room *gag*)
• Give Chris an awesome man cave (on a budget lol)

Wish me luck! I'll make sure to post as things start getting under way







Families are changing....Or are they?

This morning I of course was listening to my all time favorite morning show and they were discussing Elton John and husband David Furish's adoption through surrogacy. I believe Wendy or Jen made a comment about how its amazing how families are changing. Which honestly, kind of annoyed me. Yes, the means of becoming a family has been changing and an ever growing and learning process for many, but families have not.

Now if she was speaking in the scense that this is a same-sex parented family, sorry folks but that's not new either. I grew up with a friend that had two moms. I also lived in the same neighborhood as a male couple who were raising their nephew , I loved them, Daryl and Maurice! They had the best yard in the entire subdivision, lavender casscading around the frount door , jasmine on the side by the drive; look at me losing myself lol! But my point is that families aren't changing much at all.

There is no "Model Family" like when you move into a new upcoming neighborhood; model home.

A true family is one built on the foundation of love.

They have their ups and downs; failures and wins but it will always rest back on their foundation.

Congratulations!

I just have to say a HUGE congrats to one of my favorite bloggers Lisa and Family; From Room by Room for the Home Coming of their newest addition!

I always love hearing about a child coming home to their Forever Family.

Its one of those things that makes all of the terrible things in adoption;

be it greif anger or sorrow; just float away!

I can't wait to see how Delany is enjoying her new family!

Home Going

In my previous post I briefly mentioned losing my Uncle during the holidays, Dec. 22 to be exact. This being my dad's side of the family, I knew not to except a somber funeral rather a celebration of my Uncle's life. But what I experienced was something almost out of body and it really got me thinking.

For those that know me IRL, I'm not a "religious" person, but more spiritual. I'm not so keen on organized religion and I don't feel that I need to attend church to "prove" my relationship with God. So, let's just say I was dreading the church service that proceeded his burial. I have to admit that I was pleasantly surprised and thoroughly enjoyed the service. I can happily say that my Auntie was in the front row, not mourning, but celebrating. Her husband was no longer suffering and battling the cancer that took over his body. He was at peace, he went home.

The pastor said something that really got me thinking. He told us a story about how his father told him before his 18th birthday, "You can't stay, you can go to college, but you can't stay here, you can get a job and move out, but you can't stay here, you can go into the military, but you can't stay." the point he was making, is that we all won't stay, at some time in our life it will be our time to go. You can have all of the riches in the world, but you can't stay with them. There is another place that we must move onto.

With my own personal beliefs, I don't know what the next step is, but I do know that no one will live forever. In my heart I want to believe that there is a better place for us beyond this world, that we may shed our tents (bodies) and move on to our houses (our place with the lord).

So far... 2011 is rocking my socks!

I don't know how your holidays went but mine were swell!

We celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve with my bestie and her son! Then we went to my parents house. Christmas morning we slept in (thanks kids!) Opened gifts with my Mother-in-law and headed to my brother-in-laws house. Spent time there and went to my father-in-laws house lol! Yes we were VERY busy.

But it wasn't the gifts, but just the joy on every ones faces over that weekend that I loved. I enjoyed spending time with the people I love the most. Chris and I had a couple of quiet moments that made me feel like I was in a romantic comedy! Even with no one around I kind of felt a little embarrassed and overwhelmed, but mostly full of love!

Going into 2011 was a little somber because I lost one of my uncles to cancer. He had a long battle with 2 remissions, but the cancer sadly won the war.

There was something magical that happened at this funeral but thats for a different post.

After a long day with the family I needed to kick into 2011 with a BANG! I won tickets to a local club off the radio! I ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING! So the Hubby and I put on our finest and out we went! and BOY were we bored! So we left the club and went to his best friends house were we goofed off until 2 am!

Best moment this weekend;

After a long day of cleaning house, we had dinner at the table, the TV was off and Chris played the Cd's with the wedding reception music on it, we all sat at the table enjoying each others company. After dinner Chris washed the dishes Damien and I cleared the table and Natalie just danced in the living room :) After we got Miss Priss off to bed Damien painted his new piggy bank! He was so proud! I wish he would let me display it in the living room! off to bed he goes after painting his master piece and as I went into the living room to straighten up Chris walks up to me and we just slowed danced right there.  I felt like I was on a cloud!


How is 2011 feeling different for you so far?